Child Abuse Prevention Month

Welcome to April - home of April Fools' Day, April showers (they bring May flowers). Easter, Passover and, since 1983, the congressionally-designated Child Abuse Prevention Month. You can read about the history of CAPM here. Anyone who knows me knows that, to me, EVERY month is Child Abuse Prevention Month - every day, every hour, every minute. The fabric of Child Abuse Prevention Month - getting educated on the facts, understanding the risks, learning how each and every one of us adults can prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child abuse - needs to be woven into our thinking, throughout our culture, so that the choices we make on behalf of children best protect them. This is not a 30 day endeavor - it's 24/7, a life-long commitment. Darkness To Light uses a seat-belt analogy to explain this best: when cars were first invented, there was no such thing as a seat belt. But after seeing accidents happen, injuries and death occurring, the seat belt idea was born. At first, seat belts in cars were an option - people had to pay extra and request to have them and only those who wanted them (or could afford them) had them installed. When it was understood just how many lives could be saved with their use, seat belts became more and more popular until one day, they were mandated. Then, not only were they mandated to be in each and every auto, but it was also required in many places that people buckle up ("click it or ticket"). Wearing seat belts, proven to save lives and reduce injuries, had gone from nonexistence to a piece of our social and cultural fabric. As more and more people got on board, social and cultural change occurred. Now, very few people venture into their cars without buckling up, as one would hope it would be.

It's no different for preventing child sexual abuse. Child protection policies regarding CSA haven't always existed in schools and other youth-serving organizations, but slowly, as it becomes clear that there are tools for prevention, recognition and response, and that those are effective tools, our culture is changing. S-L-O-W-L-Y. There is still plenty of denial, plenty of choices that don't put the children first, plenty of folks who want to look the other way or point fingers after the fact, but there are also, now, adults, and many of them, who are "getting it." Each and every adult trained in abuse prevention brings to his or her community the benefits of that education, be it in working to put in place effective policies for their faith organizations, their schools, scouts, sports or arts orgs., or effective policies for themselves and how they manage their home lives and interactions with their neighbors and friends. In fact, neighbors who sit and talk about abuse and how they can work together to prevent it are the rungs in the ladder toward reaching the cultural change we need to optimally keep kids safe.
So, to all of you I say, please, this April, take the time to learn how to prevent abuse. Share what you learn with your adult friends. Talk to your neighbors, talk to your local youth-serving organization leaders, talk to your community leaders. Talk, too, with your children, at an age-appropriate level, about abuse, boundaries, bodies. Let them know that no one has the right to do certain things to them, to ask them to keep secrets from you and that if anything happens to them, they need to tell you, you will believe them and you will make it stop. I encourage you to check out www.DarknessToLight.org and www.StopItNow.org - they are information-rich sites that can help you towards this end. Take an abuse prevention training, online or in-person. Both sites have resources to enable you to take trainings with ease. If you will be in the Boston area on April 10, please contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com and register to take, for free, the 2.5 hour, award-winning Stewards of Children training. It is the only 3rd party evaluated, evidence-based child sexual abuse prevention training for adults in the U.S. and it was the 2007 Crime Prevention Program of the Year for the National Crime Prevention Council. 2.5 hours, for free - aren't your children worth that?

(seat belt sign courtesy of PhotoBucket HEYxCOURTNEY)

Senator Brown Shares His Story

Senator Scott Brown revealed in an interview to air on "60 Minutes" that he, like 39 million other Americans, was sexually abused as a child. He supported me and my efforts; I support and salute him for sharing his truth with us.You can read my original post about Senator Brown here:

http://kissesfromdolce.blogspot.com/2009/12/ma-state-senator-and-republican-u.html?spref=tw

Thank you, Senator.

Have Your Say!

FindYouthInfo.gov has held "listening sessions" in major cities around the U.S., seeking input as it works to create a new uniform Federal Youth Policy to improve education and youth outcomes in this country. I attended the Boston session, where I spoke about requiring evidence-based child abuse prevention trainings to any and all adults working with youth. The session was fascinating, with folks from all over New England speaking about the issues they believed would pave a better path for U.S. youngsters.
FindYouthInfo has a website and is seeking input from all those who wish to contribute. I have included the link where you can not only contribute your thoughts, but also read summaries of the various listening sessions. I encourage you to click on the link and have your say: reiterate your belief that all adults serving youth in the public education community be REQUIRED to be trained in abuse prevention. We know evidence-based training changes peoples attitudes and behaviors and it is readily available with the Stewards of Children training.

http://www.findyouthinfo.org/provideinput.aspx

The time is NOW to have your say!
I hope you will take a few minutes to help further the cause of abuse prevention and see something so important woven into the fabric of this new policy. Thank you so very much.

Exponential Prevention

One of the best things about what I do is seeing the people I've trained go on to do their own trainings. Tony Calcia, the VP/COO of the Hockomock Area YMCA, is one of those people. Probably one of the most enthusiastic folks I've met along this road, Tony is passionate about getting out there to educate not just his staff and associates, but, also, the public, about how they as adults can keep kids safer. Tony was in one of my very first facilitator trainings in 2010; now he and 2 of his staff, also trained facilitators, are planning their first Stewards of Children training for 60 people. The MA Y's as a whole are in the midst of a child sexual abuse prevention initiative, stemming from events last year in Melrose (you can read more about that here). That initiative is looking beyond MA to, hopefully, involve many Y's across the country. Given the enormous presence and power of Y's in our communities, their ability to effectively organize and engage people, offer education and opportunities for building a better life, their impact on child sexual abuse prevention could be enormous, both within their facilities and in the homes/lives of the people they serve.
I'm honored to have been a part of that effort and I'm excited to see it move forward. Go, Tony and team!

Holding Something So Painful, So Close, For So Long

I had a request to meet for coffee recently from a woman who wanted to purchase several copies of "Kisses From Dolce." She is in her 80's, had seen the book at a friend's house and wanted to be sure to give a copy to each of her grown children and their families. Such a request is, of course, gratifying, and I was happy to meet with her. As is so often the case, during our meeting she proceeded to tell me about her own experience with abuse when she was a young girl, so many years ago. Not much about child sexual abuse surprises me anymore and, given the statistics, odds are the person you're with at any given time has been a victim. Perhaps because of that I have found that, since the book's release, many of my most ardent supporters are people, usually women, who were assaulted when they were young and are now in their later years. CSA victims of all ages have come forward to tell me their stories but so many older victims have literally embraced me in gratitude for feeling they now had someone they could share their story with who would understand, liberating them from holding something so painful, so close, for so long.
Another woman, in her late 70's, shared with me recently that she had never said a word to anyone about an uncle who had fondled her as a young teen - until she sat at a table with female relatives, including her sister. One of the women made a comment about the uncle and the next thing this woman knew they were all comparing notes about their experiences. The uncle had abused each of them and for all this time, so many years, no one ever said a word. Now they could speak, give voice to their experience and pain, and take strength from knowing they did nothing wrong - he was a predator. That woman, one of my biggest supporters (and I one of her biggest fans), bought numerous copies of "Kisses From Dolce" right from the beginning, donating them to libraries, schools and other community organizations. I believe she felt it was the voice she never had and she wanted to be sure that she was giving that voice to others.
Another woman, also in her late 70's, shared with me that when she was about 9 years old, she and a friend were playing and had walked into an abandoned building to explore. A man appeared from one of the rooms and exposed himself to them. The girls ran home. This woman said nothing to her family - she was too afraid. The other girl told her parents. That girl and her family came over to the friend's house to share the story with the other parents. When they did, the first little girl's father walked up to her and smacked her across the face. He hit this little girl, his daughter, because a man had exposed his genitalia to her and she had been too afraid to tell. One  assault atop the other. My heart broke when she shared this with me. Instead of understanding and compassion this little girl received anger and more abuse. Perhaps her father could not handle his own myriad emotions upon hearing such distressing news...I do not know. All I know is that a little girl, 9 years old, received no support just when she needed it most. That woman had never shared her story before telling me. I can only hope that finally, after so many years of carrying it around, she found some comfort in knowing she had a voice, a right to be heard and my support. I heard her, understood what she was saying and how painful an experience that was.
If we adults learn nothing more from our awareness of CSA and its prevalence, it's that we must TALK ABOUT IT. Child sexual abuse can no longer be a taboo topic. Adults have to face the truth about how child sexual abuse happens, its prevalence, who are predators (90% are known and trusted by the victims and their families) if we are to begin to rid society of this scourge. Children are not responsible for their safety; it is our job to carry that load. Do we need to talk with children about their bodies and boundaries and trusting and telling? Absolutely, and often, whenever we are able, just as we should broach many difficult topics with them throughout their childhoods, at age-appropriate levels. You've heard me say it many times: adults need to learn how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. When we do, this will be a much safer world for our children.
I encourage you to visit Darkness To Light's website. If you like, you can take their prevention training online.
StopItNow! has wonderful resources online as well.
I hope you will consider purchasing a copy or two of "Kisses From Dolce," either directly from me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com, from Amazon or from the publisher, Trafford.
Whatever you do, please take time to get educated about child sexual abuse and to implement the prevention and response strategies that could very well spare a child years of pain and shame. The wonderful ladies I spoke of here deserved better and so do today's children.
Thanks.

"Intimations of Immortality"

"Though nothing can bring back the hour 

 Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

 We will grieve not, rather find 

 Strength in what remains behind..." *

 

Glorious words from the brilliant William Wordsworth. Some days, like today, I find they offer tremendous comfort, hope and inspiration. I do believe that, among other things, healing requires grief but feeling that grief moves us along and frees up space within for strength and joy. 

I offer up these great words to you today in hopes that you, like so many of Wordsworth's readers, will find "strength in what remains behind" and the ability to forge ahead in peace. 

*Excerpted from Wordsworth's poem "Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood."

Ahhhhhhh...

 

The last time I visited my hometown for an extended solo stay, I had a chance to do some healing. Part of that was the place I stayed: on the beach, with a new friend, one who's traveling her own road of self-discovery and was happy to share her place with me. This was my morning view and I find now that just looking at this photo takes me back to the peaceful, grounded feelings I had then, sitting there, contemplating and reflecting. A visit with an old friend while I was in town, one who played an important role in my journey, had been rich, and sitting facing the water, listening to the sounds of the beach, gave opportunity to take that visit in, put it all in perspective.
I know the healing road is ongoing: sometimes it's bumpy and painful, other times joy-filled. No matter which, it is deeply rewarding and moving forward with new awareness has, at least for me, opened up life's possibilities.
So, until I can get back to my perch at the beach in person, I'll stay close to my photo and just be.