What The Cosby Revelations Teach Us About Facade and Abuse

I will not post a photo of him - you know who he is and what he looks like. Instead, I post a photo of me: 2 years old, 5 years before my own sexual abuse at the hands of a man everyone thought was the greatest guy. SHE deserves the spotlight...not he. Cosby hasn't been accused of child sexual abuse, but the lessons from what he has been accused of, juxtaposed with his image, are vital to those seeking to prevent CSA.
I was once a Cosby fan; my husband and I were loyal viewers of The Cosby Show, laughing til we couldn't breathe, musing at his seeming parental and marital wisdom, admiring of his educational achievements and his philanthropy. Needless to say, those days are over.
It's hard to miss the revelations of late: Cosby, in his own words, explaining his behaviors and thought processes regarding his extra-marital sexual conquests. After years of public denials, the assertions of his accusers seem validated. Sobering, to say the least, to any who held out hope that the Cosby they had adored was true to the projected image.
For me, as a child sex abuse prevention educator, the revelations are not a surprise - particularly regarding the dissonance between image and reality - and are a teachable moment, one I have repeated many times throughout my career: the person you are so sure you know, the man/woman who would NEVER do such a thing, is beyond reproach, trusted, perhaps revered, even loved, can, in fact, be an abuser. When it comes to child sexual abuse, 90% of children abused are abused by someone the family knows and trusts. Statistics repeatedly bear this out. "Stranger danger" can happen, but it is the statistical minority. Adults and caregivers, policy-makers in the lives of children need to understand and accept this in order to create sufficient protections.
Additionally, when children disclose abuse, 95.5% of them are telling the truth. When a child discloses to you, he/she is taking a huge risk: most never tell. Fears of not being believed (especially in the face of naming someone everyone, including the child, believed was wonderful), fears of repercussions, being isolated, a major life upheaval, all come into play. When a child discloses to you, they are trusting you. Honor that trust. Be calm, listen thoughtfully, don't ask leading questions and, most important of all, BELIEVE him or her and say so. Even if your insides are screaming; even if your mind is saying "this can't be true;" even if you're thinking your life will fall apart (if the accused is a spouse, partner, parent, grandparent or other relative). BELIEVE. Then...REPORT. You can fall apart afterward - to a trusted friend, partner, therapist - but in the moment of disclosure you need to be there 100% for this child. Your support and calm will never be lost on him/her.
It is not your job to investigate. It is your job to take what this child has said and report it to child protective services (or call 911 if the child is in imminent danger - perhaps the abuser is coming to pick them up from your school or program). It is then in the hands of professionals trained to move forward.
Do your part: turn intention into action and help a child who is reaching out. Believe their words, not the facade you cannot bear to part with. It is a dissonance, for sure, but as more community adults become versed in how child sex abuse happens and what it takes to resolve it, support for that devastating awareness will burgeon. Heed the lesson...it may make all the difference in the life of a child you know.
For more information on child sexual abuse statistics and prevention, visit Darkness To Light.

"Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling" is available for purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Trafford Publishing and directly from me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.

Prevent Abuse and React Responsibly

Child sexual abuse lurks in so many places. Please...put policies in place in your lives that protect children and believe, believe, believe them when, if, they disclose abuse or tell you they do not like a particular person. Give your children the voice they deserve.
You can learn more about turning your good intentions for children into action: take Darkness To Light's Stewards of Children abuse prevention training for adults, live or online.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/30/us/politics/hastert-indictment.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=0

On His 205th Birthday

 "Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm."  

~ Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States

President Lincoln had many things about which to stand firm, not the least of which was slavery. He clearly put his feet in the right place. His actions changed our culture and our country forever.
What do you stand firm about?
Put your feet in the right place and stand firm against child sexual abuse. Use your time to learn what it takes to keep kids safe, then use your voice to speak out and educate others. It's not all that hard to do.
Visit Darkness To Light - take a 2 hour training - in person or online. Many of the trainings are offered free of charge, like those we offer at the Old Colony YMCA in Massachusetts.
You can also visit Stop It Now and peruse their extensive resources.
Read, learn, share, discuss - that's what it takes to stand firm against abuse.
Put your feet in the right place; let's change our culture, our country, our world forever. Our children deserve it.

Wonderful Team!

It's been a very long time since I posted here...time for that to change!
Tonight we held our Old Colony YMCA quarterly D2L facilitator dinner meeting - gathering to share and strategize about moving our prevention efforts forward. As always, it was an informative, motivational evening. We've been making great strides with our initiative and, especially now, with the roll out of Stewards of Children 2.0, we are re-energized to move ahead and train many more community adults.
I'm so proud of this team!

Photo by Kim Moran

Right On

Stamford JCC Paves Prevention Path!

I'm so happy to announce that the Stamford, Connecticut JCC (Jewish Community Center) is the first JCC in the U.S. to attain the Partner In Prevention designation from Darkness To Light! It is also the first, and only, organization in Connecticut to have attained the designation! Partner In Prevention status is earned by an organization when at least 90% of its staff have been trained in D2L's Stewards of Children child sexual abuse prevention training for adults. Almost 100% of Stamford's staff have been trained! Additionally, the JCC has been delivering the award-winning Stewards prevention training to other organizations in the Stamford area since May 2012. To date, almost 300 adults have been trained under the JCC's tutelage.
Why am I proud? Because I am the Darkness To Light instructor who had the privilege of training the trainers, the JCC's facilitators who are now out there educating their community. The JCC's effort, under the direction of CEO, Eric Koehler, and Associate Executive Director, Nancy Schiffman, has been committed and impassioned from Day 1, an outgrowth of their belief that community adults have a responsibility to keep kids as safe as possible. It's been an honor to get to know them and to have been, even in a small way, a part of their great team.
If you would like to learn more about earning Partner In Prevention status from Darkness to Light, click here.
If you are in or near Stamford, CT and would like more info about the JCC's trainings, contact Nancy Schiffman at nschiffman@stamfordjcc.org or 203-322-7900.
My hat is off to Eric, Nancy and their entire team for turning intention into action, creating this initiative and running with it. No doubt, there will be many, many children in their sphere living safer, happier, more whole lives because of their efforts.

A Letter to E.L. James From Darkness To Light Founder Anne Lee

As I've traveled this road combating child sexual abuse, few people have impacted the journey more than Anne Lee. A true inspiration, Anne was the visionary who, in 2001, founded Darkness To Light, the non-profit based in Charleston, SC, whose mission is to educate adults to "prevent, recognize and react responsibly" to child sexual abuse. 11 years after its creation, Darkness To Light continues to educate thousands of adults each year. Authorized facilitators around the globe lead the acclaimed 2.5 hour Stewards of Children, the abuse prevention training named the Crime Prevention Program of the Year in 2007 by the National Crime Prevention Council.
Though Anne is no longer at the helm of Darkness To Light, her impassioned work to end child sexual abuse continues. Her new consulting group, Greater Good Advisors, is about to launch. In April 0f 2011, she was named a "Hero Among Us" by People Magazine.
I am thrilled to host Anne here for a guest post, a letter to "Fifty Shades of Grey" author E. L. James. I warn you now - if you do not want the hows and whys of Christian Grey revealed to you, don't read this post. For all others, Anne's words speak for themselves. As someone with an abuse background, I wasn't sure when I went to read James' first book in the trilogy if it might be triggering. But I, like so many, enjoyed the story and the relationship portrayed and, particularly, the humanity of the characters, especially Christian. He is a complex man. Anne understands that, too, and as she has many times before, she sees a teaching opportunity. Have a look. 
Thanks, and kudos, Anne Lee, for all you've done to make this world a better place for children.

Dear Ms. James,

As the founder of Darkness to Light, www.D2L.org - the nation's only evidence-based primary prevention program educating adults about child sexual abuse, with over 5000 facilitators in 49 states and 15 countries - I want to applaud your huge success and telling the story of the "50 Shades" from the majorly important and seldom told point of view of Christian's pain and childhood trauma. Maybe one of the reasons so many resonate with "50" is that approximately 20% of all adults have sexual abuse in their history. Horrifically amazing, but true. 

My fervent hope is that as the movie is created and developed, the core issue of his abuse is not glossed over. As a consultant, I would be delighted  to work with your team.  We have an opportunity through this movie to bring the conversation of  physical abuse, sexual abuse and neglect to the forefront of societal consciences. The demand for prevention and the creation of a national standard of care for our children might be made reality through efforts like yours. I know you get it. I can tell from your writing. In many ways you wrote my story - like so many others.  

May the light go before you and all that is good find its way to you.  For this huge work, I thank you. 

Anne

                                                               Anne Lee  

                                                                Principal

                                                Greater Good Advisors, LLC
                                                      672 Ellis Oaks Avenue

                                                       Charleston, SC 29412

                                                            843.437.8416                                        

                                                    alee@ggoodadvisors.com

Syracuse Y Leads The Way In Prevention

Just a few weeks ago I had the great pleasure of traveling to Syracuse, NY to lead a Darkness To Light Facilitator Workshop. Thanks to the determined efforts of the Syracuse Y's team leaders and workshop organizers, Kelly Miner and Cheryl Walker, folks attended from near and far, representing, among others, YMCAs, social service groups and child protective services. We learned together, shared with each other and by day's end I knew that 16 more empassioned, empowered leaders were heading back to their communities well prepared to educate adults to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse via Stewards of Children.
Despite the long day that goes with a facilitator workshop, there is never a time when I don't leave feeling rewarded and enriched, both from having engaged with a new set of attendees and the knowledge that children in their spheres will be better served. I always hope that the workshop experience will stay with them as they pursue their prevention endeavors, knowing that, at least for 8 intense hours, they were surrounded by like-thinking people devoted to protecting kids.
Thank you, Cheryl and Kelly for a meaningful day and wonderful opportunity.

Photo: Cheryl Walker, me, Kelly Miner

What's Your Policy?

Whether you are a youth-serving organization or just a plain old adult making decisions on behalf of the children in your life, you need policy. Child safety policy. I encourage you to visit Darkness To Light and Stop It Now for more information on how to create the best possible policies in your orgs and in your lives. You are also welcome to contact me for any information regarding policy and prevention. It's time to change our culture to one that does not tolerate child sexual abuse.

Teaming Up For Prevention

YMCAs all over the country are getting on board to bring child sexual abuse prevention education to their communities. Ys have a wide reach and a unique ability to engage local populations, enabling them to raise awareness of this insidious issue and the urgent need for adults in the community to know how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to it. ALL adults - not just those of child bearing age or those affiliated with youth-serving organizations.
Has the Y in your community taken on Darkness To Light's prevention program? I encourage you to inquire; if they have, get on board yourself -get trained and get the word out. If they haven't, urge them to do so. There is seed money out there for them to use in growing the program. Remember, this program was the Crime Prevention Program of the Year in 2007. It is 3rd party evaluated and evidence-based. It changes behaviors. We know it works.
Take your community on the road to cultural change and the end of child sexual abuse. Get educated and TAKE ACTION!
Learn more:  http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.7839123/k.C5BC/YMCAs.htm

Child Abuse Prevention Month

Welcome to April - home of April Fools' Day, April showers (they bring May flowers). Easter, Passover and, since 1983, the congressionally-designated Child Abuse Prevention Month. You can read about the history of CAPM here. Anyone who knows me knows that, to me, EVERY month is Child Abuse Prevention Month - every day, every hour, every minute. The fabric of Child Abuse Prevention Month - getting educated on the facts, understanding the risks, learning how each and every one of us adults can prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child abuse - needs to be woven into our thinking, throughout our culture, so that the choices we make on behalf of children best protect them. This is not a 30 day endeavor - it's 24/7, a life-long commitment. Darkness To Light uses a seat-belt analogy to explain this best: when cars were first invented, there was no such thing as a seat belt. But after seeing accidents happen, injuries and death occurring, the seat belt idea was born. At first, seat belts in cars were an option - people had to pay extra and request to have them and only those who wanted them (or could afford them) had them installed. When it was understood just how many lives could be saved with their use, seat belts became more and more popular until one day, they were mandated. Then, not only were they mandated to be in each and every auto, but it was also required in many places that people buckle up ("click it or ticket"). Wearing seat belts, proven to save lives and reduce injuries, had gone from nonexistence to a piece of our social and cultural fabric. As more and more people got on board, social and cultural change occurred. Now, very few people venture into their cars without buckling up, as one would hope it would be.

It's no different for preventing child sexual abuse. Child protection policies regarding CSA haven't always existed in schools and other youth-serving organizations, but slowly, as it becomes clear that there are tools for prevention, recognition and response, and that those are effective tools, our culture is changing. S-L-O-W-L-Y. There is still plenty of denial, plenty of choices that don't put the children first, plenty of folks who want to look the other way or point fingers after the fact, but there are also, now, adults, and many of them, who are "getting it." Each and every adult trained in abuse prevention brings to his or her community the benefits of that education, be it in working to put in place effective policies for their faith organizations, their schools, scouts, sports or arts orgs., or effective policies for themselves and how they manage their home lives and interactions with their neighbors and friends. In fact, neighbors who sit and talk about abuse and how they can work together to prevent it are the rungs in the ladder toward reaching the cultural change we need to optimally keep kids safe.
So, to all of you I say, please, this April, take the time to learn how to prevent abuse. Share what you learn with your adult friends. Talk to your neighbors, talk to your local youth-serving organization leaders, talk to your community leaders. Talk, too, with your children, at an age-appropriate level, about abuse, boundaries, bodies. Let them know that no one has the right to do certain things to them, to ask them to keep secrets from you and that if anything happens to them, they need to tell you, you will believe them and you will make it stop. I encourage you to check out www.DarknessToLight.org and www.StopItNow.org - they are information-rich sites that can help you towards this end. Take an abuse prevention training, online or in-person. Both sites have resources to enable you to take trainings with ease. If you will be in the Boston area on April 10, please contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com and register to take, for free, the 2.5 hour, award-winning Stewards of Children training. It is the only 3rd party evaluated, evidence-based child sexual abuse prevention training for adults in the U.S. and it was the 2007 Crime Prevention Program of the Year for the National Crime Prevention Council. 2.5 hours, for free - aren't your children worth that?

(seat belt sign courtesy of PhotoBucket HEYxCOURTNEY)

Yesterday was an incredible day. For eight hours I steeped myself in the world of a true child advocate, one who spends all day, almost every day, working to make the world safer for kids. Stacy Karpowitz is the Coordinator of Outreach and Education at the Aetna Foundation Children's Center in Hartford, CT and a human dynamo! A trained LMFT (as well as a fellow Darkness To Light facilitator), Stacy has spent the last 12 years working tirelessly on behalf of children, presenting prevention and awareness education to a variety of populations in a variety of, often, very creative ways.

Stacy is also a forensic interviewer of children who are believed to have been abused. Good forensic interviewing is a skill, one that requires intensive training and continual honing. It can be long, arduous and emotionally draining, but effective forensic interviewing is essential to bringing perpetrators to justice while minimizing further trauma to the child. There is one interview, one interviewer and, behind a two-way mirror, a panoply of professionals, from law-enforcement and social services, to accommodate the need for this crucial information without overwhelming the little person involved.

Our day together began at a local Head Start where Stacy presented her workshop, "My Body Is Special" to approximately 50 children, their teachers and some parents. Since November, Stacy has met with over 1500 local children, teaching them about their bodies, good boundaries and giving them voices. They learn to say "Stop!" and "No!" to touches and activities with which they are uncomfortable. They repeat "My body is mine!" and "My body is special!" throughout the workshop. They learn the proper names for body parts, an essential piece of this education, as perpetrators often count on kids' ignorance and inability to effectively report what has happened when they choose a victim. At the end of each 30 minute workshop, the children receive their own personal "Promise To Tell" card and each shares, aloud, who they promise to tell if unwanted things happen to them. They promise to continue telling until the unwanted touching stops, essential, considering that 9 out of 10 kids never tell what has happened to them when abuse has occurred.

Sitting with Stacy amidst the kids, watching them engage with her, listen intently and shout proudly about their power, was electrifying and heartwarming. Several approached Stacy after the workshops for a high-five or to give her a hug; one little boy moved to sit next to me and placed his hand on my wrist while turning to give me a big, broad smile!

We spent the afternoon back at Stacy's office, meeting her colleagues, touring the facilities and getting a feel for what happens at a children's advocacy center. If you have never seen a CAC, or are not aware of the wonderful work they do, I encourage you to seek out the one nearest you and learn what services they offer: advocacy, therapy, education, diagnostic/forensic interviews, medical evals and collaborative case management. All of this in the name of minimizing trauma and promoting healing. I believe CAC's are a great gift to any community, truly working with children and families at heart, often on a challenging budget. Support the ones you can, any way you can.

I had the opportunity to view a powerful DVD, produced by the center, called "Do? Tell! Kids Against Child Abuse." Four children, victims of different types of abuse, tell their moving stories, bravely and boldly, and all is interpreted throughout by signers for the deaf (the center offers interpretive services). "Do? Tell! Kids Against Child Abuse" is educational and moving and, in the end, offers what I saw as the theme of my visit yesterday, hope. You can learn more about the DVD, as well as purchase one, on the center's website at http://www.childabuseservicesct.org/

Despite the heavy nature of the issues that drive Stacy's work, and that of any CAC, there is an overwhelming feeling of hope in the mix. Hope that some abuse will be prevented, some mitigated and brought to justice, but mostly, that the little ones involved, whose lives have been disrupted, will learn that not everyone is out to harm them, that, in fact, many in this world are here to help them and listen, patiently and lovingly, so that they may find their voices and their peace and heal.

In the Darkness To Light Stewards Of Children workshop both Stacy and I facilitate for adults, one of the adult survivors in the workshop video likens her experience of abuse to the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, who had all of his stuffing pulled out by those seeking to do him harm. She then goes on to say that there were many people around her, afterward, as with the scarecrow, who were there to help put her stuffing back in. These were the people, her supporters, who helped her heal and feel whole again. I know from my own road how true that is.

Stacy and her colleagues in Hartford are tireless scarecrow re-stuffers, working as hard and as fast as they can to lighten a little one's load and educate the public in hopes of prevention. With heart and skill, drive and determination, they, and countless other CAC's across the country, offer the children they serve the best of themselves and that most important element for a rewarding life: hope.