What The Cosby Revelations Teach Us About Facade and Abuse

I will not post a photo of him - you know who he is and what he looks like. Instead, I post a photo of me: 2 years old, 5 years before my own sexual abuse at the hands of a man everyone thought was the greatest guy. SHE deserves the spotlight...not he. Cosby hasn't been accused of child sexual abuse, but the lessons from what he has been accused of, juxtaposed with his image, are vital to those seeking to prevent CSA.
I was once a Cosby fan; my husband and I were loyal viewers of The Cosby Show, laughing til we couldn't breathe, musing at his seeming parental and marital wisdom, admiring of his educational achievements and his philanthropy. Needless to say, those days are over.
It's hard to miss the revelations of late: Cosby, in his own words, explaining his behaviors and thought processes regarding his extra-marital sexual conquests. After years of public denials, the assertions of his accusers seem validated. Sobering, to say the least, to any who held out hope that the Cosby they had adored was true to the projected image.
For me, as a child sex abuse prevention educator, the revelations are not a surprise - particularly regarding the dissonance between image and reality - and are a teachable moment, one I have repeated many times throughout my career: the person you are so sure you know, the man/woman who would NEVER do such a thing, is beyond reproach, trusted, perhaps revered, even loved, can, in fact, be an abuser. When it comes to child sexual abuse, 90% of children abused are abused by someone the family knows and trusts. Statistics repeatedly bear this out. "Stranger danger" can happen, but it is the statistical minority. Adults and caregivers, policy-makers in the lives of children need to understand and accept this in order to create sufficient protections.
Additionally, when children disclose abuse, 95.5% of them are telling the truth. When a child discloses to you, he/she is taking a huge risk: most never tell. Fears of not being believed (especially in the face of naming someone everyone, including the child, believed was wonderful), fears of repercussions, being isolated, a major life upheaval, all come into play. When a child discloses to you, they are trusting you. Honor that trust. Be calm, listen thoughtfully, don't ask leading questions and, most important of all, BELIEVE him or her and say so. Even if your insides are screaming; even if your mind is saying "this can't be true;" even if you're thinking your life will fall apart (if the accused is a spouse, partner, parent, grandparent or other relative). BELIEVE. Then...REPORT. You can fall apart afterward - to a trusted friend, partner, therapist - but in the moment of disclosure you need to be there 100% for this child. Your support and calm will never be lost on him/her.
It is not your job to investigate. It is your job to take what this child has said and report it to child protective services (or call 911 if the child is in imminent danger - perhaps the abuser is coming to pick them up from your school or program). It is then in the hands of professionals trained to move forward.
Do your part: turn intention into action and help a child who is reaching out. Believe their words, not the facade you cannot bear to part with. It is a dissonance, for sure, but as more community adults become versed in how child sex abuse happens and what it takes to resolve it, support for that devastating awareness will burgeon. Heed the lesson...it may make all the difference in the life of a child you know.
For more information on child sexual abuse statistics and prevention, visit Darkness To Light.

"Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling" is available for purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Trafford Publishing and directly from me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.

Wonderful Team!

It's been a very long time since I posted here...time for that to change!
Tonight we held our Old Colony YMCA quarterly D2L facilitator dinner meeting - gathering to share and strategize about moving our prevention efforts forward. As always, it was an informative, motivational evening. We've been making great strides with our initiative and, especially now, with the roll out of Stewards of Children 2.0, we are re-energized to move ahead and train many more community adults.
I'm so proud of this team!

Photo by Kim Moran

Right On

Angel Haze

Wow...this young singer tells it just like it is in her song "Cleanin' Out My Closet," which can be found on YouTube. It is raw, raw, raw and as real as it gets from a survivor; the title alone is  amazing. 
WARNING: if you believe that a brutally honest, blunt language recounting of someone's child sexual abuse experience will trigger you, do not watch the video.  If you do choose to watch, listen carefully to her words, her feelings, her vehement assertions.
Below is the link to the NYT article about her...have a look:

http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/24/talking-to-angel-haze/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7bZ08RNUyM 

Sentencing Day

"The crime is not only what you did to their bodies but to their psyches and their souls and the assault to the well-being of the larger community in which we all live." - Judge John Cleland.
 

And so many who knew did nothing...

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/10/09/14315772-jerry-sandusky-gets-30-to-60-years-for-child-sex-abuse 

A Letter to E.L. James From Darkness To Light Founder Anne Lee

As I've traveled this road combating child sexual abuse, few people have impacted the journey more than Anne Lee. A true inspiration, Anne was the visionary who, in 2001, founded Darkness To Light, the non-profit based in Charleston, SC, whose mission is to educate adults to "prevent, recognize and react responsibly" to child sexual abuse. 11 years after its creation, Darkness To Light continues to educate thousands of adults each year. Authorized facilitators around the globe lead the acclaimed 2.5 hour Stewards of Children, the abuse prevention training named the Crime Prevention Program of the Year in 2007 by the National Crime Prevention Council.
Though Anne is no longer at the helm of Darkness To Light, her impassioned work to end child sexual abuse continues. Her new consulting group, Greater Good Advisors, is about to launch. In April 0f 2011, she was named a "Hero Among Us" by People Magazine.
I am thrilled to host Anne here for a guest post, a letter to "Fifty Shades of Grey" author E. L. James. I warn you now - if you do not want the hows and whys of Christian Grey revealed to you, don't read this post. For all others, Anne's words speak for themselves. As someone with an abuse background, I wasn't sure when I went to read James' first book in the trilogy if it might be triggering. But I, like so many, enjoyed the story and the relationship portrayed and, particularly, the humanity of the characters, especially Christian. He is a complex man. Anne understands that, too, and as she has many times before, she sees a teaching opportunity. Have a look. 
Thanks, and kudos, Anne Lee, for all you've done to make this world a better place for children.

Dear Ms. James,

As the founder of Darkness to Light, www.D2L.org - the nation's only evidence-based primary prevention program educating adults about child sexual abuse, with over 5000 facilitators in 49 states and 15 countries - I want to applaud your huge success and telling the story of the "50 Shades" from the majorly important and seldom told point of view of Christian's pain and childhood trauma. Maybe one of the reasons so many resonate with "50" is that approximately 20% of all adults have sexual abuse in their history. Horrifically amazing, but true. 

My fervent hope is that as the movie is created and developed, the core issue of his abuse is not glossed over. As a consultant, I would be delighted  to work with your team.  We have an opportunity through this movie to bring the conversation of  physical abuse, sexual abuse and neglect to the forefront of societal consciences. The demand for prevention and the creation of a national standard of care for our children might be made reality through efforts like yours. I know you get it. I can tell from your writing. In many ways you wrote my story - like so many others.  

May the light go before you and all that is good find its way to you.  For this huge work, I thank you. 

Anne

                                                               Anne Lee  

                                                                Principal

                                                Greater Good Advisors, LLC
                                                      672 Ellis Oaks Avenue

                                                       Charleston, SC 29412

                                                            843.437.8416                                        

                                                    alee@ggoodadvisors.com

What's Your Policy?

Whether you are a youth-serving organization or just a plain old adult making decisions on behalf of the children in your life, you need policy. Child safety policy. I encourage you to visit Darkness To Light and Stop It Now for more information on how to create the best possible policies in your orgs and in your lives. You are also welcome to contact me for any information regarding policy and prevention. It's time to change our culture to one that does not tolerate child sexual abuse.

"Saddening and Sobering"

From NYT:
“Our most saddening and sobering finding is the total disregard for the safety and welfare of Sandusky’s child victims,” said Louis J. Freeh, the former federal judge and director of the F.B.I. who oversaw the investigation.
“The most powerful men at Penn State failed to take any steps for 14 years to protect the children who Sandusky victimized.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/13/sports/ncaafootball/13pennstate.html?_r=1&hp

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2012/images/07/12/freeh.report.pdf?hpt=hp_t1

Justice Has Been Served

Thanks to the brave voices of the young men who spoke out about their abuse, Jerry Sandusky will be spending the rest of his life in prison. As to Penn State, which issued a statement referring to the "tremendous respect" the school has for the victims/survivors, where was that "tremendous respect" when Sandusky's actions came to light? When he was seen in the shower assaulting a child? When it was time to report to authorities and keep him from abusing ever again?
There are many sad tales attached to this Sandusky/Penn State saga, but the lesson is this: every adult needs to understand how his/her choices profoundly affect the children in their sphere. No more secrets, no more shame - insist on child safety policies in all your youth-serving organizations, know your state's reporting policies, speak with children of all ages about boundaries and their right to say "no" to ANY adult. If a child discloses abuse to you, stay calm, make sure the child knows you believe and support him/her, call the authorities immediately. Get educated about child sexual abuse - how it happens, how it perpetuates. Only then will we be able to change our thinking and our culture to one that places top priority on preventing, recognizing and reacting responsibly to child sexual abuse.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/23/sports/ncaafootball/jerry-sandusky-convicted-of-sexually-abusing-boys.html?_r=1&hp

The Sandusky/Penn State Case

Each time I lead a Stewards of Children training, discussion ensues about those elements most common to child sexual abuse cases. I remind attendees that what happened in the Catholic Church just reverberated louder and longer than most cases, which are either never discovered or only briefly make it to the local newspaper. What happened in the Church, and now allegedly and very publicly in the Sandusky case, happens around the globe in youth-serving organizations of every kind, in communities in denial, in families - everywhere. Covering up for what one has seen or learned, allowing the predator(s) to move on to other victims, never reporting to the proper authorities, making excuses for someone no one wants to come forward and name (in the Sandusky case, according to legal documents, 2 of those who never reported attributed his behaviors in the showers with boys to "horsing around") - these are common elements in abuse cases, elements that our society too often has turned a blind eye to, allowing abuse numbers to become epidemic and keeping our culture from doing what needs to be done to put an end to abuse.
Already Sandusky's defense attorney has issued statements calling into question the truthfulness of the boys involved and reminding everyone that many of them come from "dysfunctional families," as though that would bolster his allegations that they are lying.* Never mind that one witness, the one deemed most credible by the grand jury, had testified to actually seeing Sandusky anally penetrating one of the boys in a shower. The defense atty. goes on to talk about how it's possible that the boys could have misconstrued a playful pat on the knee (IN THE SHOWER) as something sexual.* Hello? What on earth would he be doing anywhere near them in the shower? Boundaries. Inappropriate behavior. And, given the gravity of the allegations, likely much, much worse.
The mother of one of the boys spoke of her feelings after learning about the charges, "I just got goosebumps, seriously. I just lived with this for so long, and it killed me when people talked about him like he was a god and I knew he was a monster."*
Here is the gist of this post: until we start changing how we think about abuse we will not change how we respond to it. Until we understand that ANYONE - man, woman, older/larger children, white, black, Hispanic, Indian, Native American, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, etc., etc., - someone we've loved, admired, revered - can be a predator, we will not change the culture from one that, admittedly or not, enables abuse to one that will not tolerate it. Whatever the reasons people have for not doing the right thing, either in creating enforced policies that work to prevent the abuse in the first place or facing down their own personal, internal fears and barriers to reporting, it's time for us as a society to say we won't tolerate it anymore. When the needs and safety of children are truly our # 1 priority, as evidenced in our behaviors, we'll have a changed culture.

* While info for this post came from reading many articles, PennLive.com put much of the available info into an exellent post HERE. I referred to their article for my post and I encourage you to read it and share it.

"This Is Grotesque"

Kudos to ad man (and fellow UPenn '79 grad) Donny Deutsch for excoriating a recent ad campaign from France featuring young girls in lingerie. Asked for his opinion on the Today show, Deutsch was direct and unwavering in his outrage: "This is grotesque...I hope the authorities look at them." "Disgusting." And for me, the most important statement of all: "The kids are victims here."
Yes, they are. Everyone, every adult, who participated in the creation and distribution of the campaign is complicit in the victimization of the coiffed, adorned, photographed and viewed around the world children. I will not even link to the Today interview or accompanying article because doing so would further circulate the images.
Let's be clear: anyone who claims that this is all in fun, or girls just dressing up is lying. And the photographed girls aren't the only people affected by the images: every viewer, young and old, male and female, walks away with an image and a strong message, normalizing such sexualization. We have far too many pedophiles in the world now; we don't need to be offering further stimulation in the form of legitimized child pornography.
Child sexual abuse is an insidious problem, epidemic in its proportions. Part of my job is to wake up adults as to how their thoughts and actions, intentionally or not, perpetuate CSA. The other part is to educate them on what they can do to prevent it.
I encourage you to speak up, express your outrage. Refuse to purchase products marketed in such a manner and the outlets that feature the ads. Take a stand. Our children's safety and well-being depends on it.

Teaming Up For Prevention

YMCAs all over the country are getting on board to bring child sexual abuse prevention education to their communities. Ys have a wide reach and a unique ability to engage local populations, enabling them to raise awareness of this insidious issue and the urgent need for adults in the community to know how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to it. ALL adults - not just those of child bearing age or those affiliated with youth-serving organizations.
Has the Y in your community taken on Darkness To Light's prevention program? I encourage you to inquire; if they have, get on board yourself -get trained and get the word out. If they haven't, urge them to do so. There is seed money out there for them to use in growing the program. Remember, this program was the Crime Prevention Program of the Year in 2007. It is 3rd party evaluated and evidence-based. It changes behaviors. We know it works.
Take your community on the road to cultural change and the end of child sexual abuse. Get educated and TAKE ACTION!
Learn more:  http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.7839123/k.C5BC/YMCAs.htm

"My Heart Sang"

It's been the rare post for me that professes the emotion of loss and longing, regret and reconciliation. I do here. I've sat with this poem for quite a while; now, with the end of Child Abuse Prevention Month, I've decided to share it. Moving ahead, through fear and grief, acknowledging their presence and place along my road, has allowed me to embrace the joys of the heart, even when, long ago, expressing and recognizing that joy was impossible. That, in fact, is one of the reasons I work so hard for abuse prevention; every child deserves to grow up happy and whole, able to fully embrace the vast experiences of life without looking back in regret.
So today, recognizing what woke my senses and had me feeling alive, I honor what my heart held...and I am grateful for it.

My Heart Sang

My heart sang

when he sat with me,

if only for a little while.

I loved his face, his hands, his long, beautiful legs,

the sound of his voice.

We could talk about nothing much

or get on some political bent.

It didn’t matter.

Whatever it was –

the thought of him, the feel of his arm next to mine,

that he chose to be with me for a little while –

it made my heart sing.

I wanted to dance, too,

but I couldn’t.

That wasn't to be.

No song to sing, seven-year-old me cowered deep within.

Aching.

Frozen.

Afraid.

I have to make my peace with that

and say goodbye.

It’s too late.

Long over.

That young man - he’ll always make me want to sing and dance,

that’s just how it is.

I’m too tired to fight it anymore.

It just is.

That other man – the heart-piercing, soul-squelcher of that little girl –

because of him, I missed my dance.

And yet, all these years later, still, there is joy for when

my heart sang.

Senator Brown Shares His Story

Senator Scott Brown revealed in an interview to air on "60 Minutes" that he, like 39 million other Americans, was sexually abused as a child. He supported me and my efforts; I support and salute him for sharing his truth with us.You can read my original post about Senator Brown here:

http://kissesfromdolce.blogspot.com/2009/12/ma-state-senator-and-republican-u.html?spref=tw

Thank you, Senator.

MA State Senator and Republican U. S. Senatorial candidate, Scott Brown, showing off his copy of "Kisses From Dolce." Though I have been a life-long Democrat, I admire Senator Brown's tireless efforts in fighting child sexual abuse: he has supported and sponsored a variety of legislation toward that end. Thank you, Senator Brown.

"Kisses From Dolce" may be purchased at Amazon, Trafford, or, at a slightly discounted price, from me. Wherever you choose to purchase, please know that a portion of each new book sale will be donated to a child sexual abuse prevention workshop fund. Thank you for helping us help kids.