Kisses From Dolce: No Secrets No Shame

Do The Right Thing

2011-11-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity."
~ W. Clement Stone 1902-2002, Businessman, Philanthropist and Author

The Sandusky/Penn State Case

2011-11-07T12:32:00.002-05:00

Each time I lead a Stewards of Children training, discussion ensues about those elements most common to child sexual abuse cases. I remind attendees that what happened in the Catholic Church just reverberated louder and longer than most cases, which are either never discovered or only briefly make it to the local newspaper. What happened in the Church, and now allegedly and very publicly in the Sandusky case, happens around the globe in youth-serving organizations of every kind, in communities in denial, in families - everywhere. Covering up for what one has seen or learned, allowing the predator(s) to move on to other victims, never reporting to the proper authorities, making excuses for someone no one wants to come forward and name (in the Sandusky case, according to legal documents, 2 of those who never reported attributed his behaviors in the showers with boys to "horsing around") - these are common elements in abuse cases, elements that our society too often has turned a blind eye to, allowing abuse numbers to become epidemic and keeping our culture from doing what needs to be done to put an end to abuse.
Already Sandusky's defense attorney has issued statements calling into question the truthfulness of the boys involved and reminding everyone that many of them come from "dysfunctional families," as though that would bolster his allegations that they are lying.* Never mind that one witness, the one deemed most credible by the grand jury, had testified to actually seeing Sandusky anally penetrating one of the boys in a shower. The defense atty. goes on to talk about how it's possible that the boys could have misconstrued a playful pat on the knee (IN THE SHOWER) as something sexual.* Hello? What on earth would he be doing anywhere near them in the shower? Boundaries. Inappropriate behavior. And, given the gravity of the allegations, likely much, much worse.
The mother of one of the boys spoke of her feelings after learning about the charges, "I just got goosebumps, seriously. I just lived with this for so long, and it killed me when people talked about him like he was a god and I knew he was a monster."*
Here is the gist of this post: until we start changing how we think about abuse we will not change how we respond to it. Until we understand that ANYONE - man, woman, older/larger children, white, black, Hispanic, Indian, Native American, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, etc., etc., - someone we've loved, admired, revered - can be a predator, we will not change the culture from one that, admittedly or not, enables abuse to one that will not tolerate it. Whatever the reasons people have for not doing the right thing, either in creating enforced policies that work to prevent the abuse in the first place or facing down their own personal, internal fears and barriers to reporting, it's time for us as a society to say we won't tolerate it anymore. When the needs and safety of children are truly our # 1 priority, as evidenced in our behaviors, we'll have a changed culture.

* While info for this post came from reading many articles, PennLive.com put much of the available info into an exellent post HERE. I referred to their article for my post and I encourage you to read it and share it.

Gotta Swim

2011-10-19T17:22:00.000-04:00

It’s been 59 days since my friend Susan died, seemingly out of the blue. She hadn’t felt well for months and believed she had Lupus. The late diagnosis of T-cell lymphoma was dire and shocking; her death three days later overwhelmingly sad, something I’m still trying to come to terms with.

I’d known Susan almost my whole life, but for most of that we were acquaintances, thrown together at times by circumstance as our parents were friends. Occasionally, amidst the hubbub of the large social circle gatherings, we’d chat, briefly, exchanging smiling, cordial niceties. It wasn’t until a few years ago, as women in our early 50’s, that we became real friends, forging a bond over hours-long discussions about life, love, loss and career. We’d tried new restaurants, savored older favorites, visited art galleries, attended local events of interest, emailed and texted often (she lived in CT, I in MA).

Susan had offered me the guest room in her home when she knew I was planning to spend more time in the area, my hometown. It didn’t take long to feel at home in her charming little French country-adorned cape, letting myself in and out, tending to and playing with her adorable, rambunctious Tibetan Terrier, Daisy, (“she’s so spoiled!” Susan would say, with a gleam in her eye), even bringing my teenage daughter for a couple of overnights.

A journalist by training and by nature, Susan was curious, questioning, adventurous. She’d traveled the world for years working for ABC’s Wide World of Sports, winning awards for her work there and beyond. Then, in mid-life, knowing she needed to up her professional competitive edge, she’d attended law school. She had a keen understanding of the need to broaden herself to stay competitive in a young man’s industry where she was an aging woman and she was unafraid to venture forward. Or rather, she plowed through any fears in her typical manner. “It was sink or swim, Susan,” she’d said to me, relating her story, “and I had to swim.” Indeed, that was her mantra and one I’d hear again when she studied for yet a third bar exam, many years after finishing law school and passing 2 others. She’d assessed her career situation, determined her needs and gotten to it. Exhausted by the frenetic pace of the studying, she’d looked at me at one point, exclaiming, “I gotta swim. Just gotta swim.” In the end, my friend swam, indeed, gloriously, passing the CT bar and landing, at age 55, a coveted spot in a local law firm more typically occupied by someone much younger.

Susan’s thoughtful self-examination was prominently featured in a 2005 Lisa Belkin piece in the New York Times. Her other trademark, self-confidence, an attribute she knew she possessed (“I’ve just always been self-confident,” she would say to me, matter-of-fact, no trace of arrogance), propelled her, be the circumstance professional or personal.

In this regard, she and I were polar opposites. I’d struggled with self-confidence my whole life. When I was getting ready to publish my children’s book we would talk, often, about the importance of self-assuredness. It had taken me several years to gather the confidence to move forward with the book and moving through the inertia was like trying to run with glue on my feet. Susan knew some of my childhood sexual assault story and was a huge supporter of my work educating adults in abuse prevention. She cheered me on, compassionately, through my stops and starts, encouraging my own strength.

One evening, during a conversation with a mutual friend, she stumbled upon a piece of my story I had not yet shared with her. Her ever-curious nature propelled her: “What’s the story with that?” she’d emailed me. I’d shared some of my story before, but this piece, a healing piece that had moved and inspired me, I kept very close, sharing with maybe a handful of people. I had to decide if I was ready to share with her.

On my next visit, out to dinner at a favorite restaurant, Susan asked me again, and I shared some. Back at her house I shared more and the conversation continued until late and at breakfast outside on her deck the next morning. She listened thoughtfully, providing feedback, sharing bits of her own relevant life experiences. A true give and take. Still, it was an emotional thing for me to share the story and at one point, as we were cleaning up, I told her just how vulnerable I felt. She stopped what she was doing and turned, dead serious, to me. “I want you to know you can trust me with this, Susan,” she said, “so I’m going to tell you something about myself that almost nobody knows.” She did, and in that moment, I knew I’d shared my soul with someone I could trust, who had compassion for my journey, and who cared that I felt safe. Trust has not come easily for me in my life. This friendship was rich. Truly a gift.

On the way home to MA from her funeral, I stopped with my daughter and mom in Mystic. Normally a quick run into Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, I’d preferred this time to stop where we could sit by the water. While my mother and daughter chatted at the food bar, I sat looking out at the water, thinking about Susan - her suffering, her loss of life and my loss of my friend. My eyes filled with tears. Instantly, I could picture her and hear her saying, “Gotta swim, Susan…ya gotta swim.” I know, I heard myself say. I know. I might have to alternate strokes for a while, perhaps tread water or float for a bit, but I “gotta swim” - I know it…. and, with lessons and memories from a wonderful, meaningful friendship that will live as long as I do, I will.

"This Is Grotesque"

2011-08-18T10:38:00.003-04:00

Kudos to ad man (and fellow UPenn '79 grad) Donny Deutsch for excoriating a recent ad campaign from France featuring young girls in lingerie. Asked for his opinion on the Today show, Deutsch was direct and unwavering in his outrage: "This is grotesque...I hope the authorities look at them." "Disgusting." And for me, the most important statement of all: "The kids are victims here."
Yes, they are. Everyone, every adult, who participated in the creation and distribution of the campaign is complicit in the victimization of the coiffed, adorned, photographed and viewed around the world children. I will not even link to the Today interview or accompanying article because doing so would further circulate the images.
Let's be clear: anyone who claims that this is all in fun, or girls just dressing up is lying. And the photographed girls aren't the only people affected by the images: every viewer, young and old, male and female, walks away with an image and a strong message, normalizing such sexualization. We have far too many pedophiles in the world now; we don't need to be offering further stimulation in the form of legitimized child pornography.
Child sexual abuse is an insidious problem, epidemic in its proportions. Part of my job is to wake up adults as to how their thoughts and actions, intentionally or not, perpetuate CSA. The other part is to educate them on what they can do to prevent it.
I encourage you to speak up, express your outrage. Refuse to purchase products marketed in such a manner and the outlets that feature the ads. Take a stand. Our children's safety and well-being depends on it.

Teaming Up For Prevention

2011-06-23T13:17:00.000-04:00

YMCAs all over the country are getting on board to bring child sexual abuse prevention education to their communities. Ys have a wide reach and a unique ability to engage local populations, enabling them to raise awareness of this insidious issue and the urgent need for adults in the community to know how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to it. ALL adults - not just those of child bearing age or those affiliated with youth-serving organizations.
Has the Y in your community taken on Darkness To Light's prevention program? I encourage you to inquire; if they have, get on board yourself -get trained and get the word out. If they haven't, urge them to do so. There is seed money out there for them to use in growing the program. Remember, this program was the Crime Prevention Program of the Year in 2007. It is 3rd party evaluated and evidence-based. It changes behaviors. We know it works.
Take your community on the road to cultural change and the end of child sexual abuse. Get educated and TAKE ACTION!

So True

2011-06-23T07:52:00.000-04:00

"Inspiration is that state where mind and heart are connected"

~ Deepak Chopra

Brockton Educators Step Up

2011-06-01T21:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, 65 educators in Brockton, MA participated in one of the largest, most vibrant Stewards of Children trainings I've ever led. I was joined by three of our newest MA facilitators - all adjustment counselors for the Brockton schools - as well as Kim, Amy and Julie from the Old Colony YMCA. Especially gratifying to see was school Superintendent Matt Malone joining in, listening thoughtfully as staff from all arenas in the school system shared insights and observations based both on their professional experiences and the Stewards training. The overwhelming consensus was that the trainings should continue, extending to paraprofessionals and parents, and that discussion should continue on "best, safest practices" policies for the schools.
That's just the kind of thing we facilitators hope for when we offer Stewards trainings; the point of our work is to move people to action - the tangible extension of intention - in hopes that one person at a time, one policy at a time, our culture, our society, will emerge a less enabling place for predators and a far safer place for children.
Go, Brockton!

Solitario

2011-06-01T20:31:00.001-04:00

Einsam

Ensom

Unig

Odinokii

Samotny

Singuratic

Vienisas

Vientuls

Uaigneach

Monachikos

Usamljen

Osamely

Kodokuna

Solitaire

Solitario

Sola

Lonely

- adjective

achingly painful in any language

Walking On Campus Against Sexual Assault

2011-05-01T07:19:00.006-04:00

The sun was shining, a warm breeze blowing, and 100 walkers, mostly young adults, gathered to walk and raise awareness about sexual assault. In fact, this first ever Sexual Assault Awareness Walk on the University of Bridgeport campus in Bridgeport, CT, held on April 15th, not only raised awareness, it also raised almost $2000 to benefit The Center for Women and Families of Eastern Fairfield County. This wonderful Center is dedicated to "strengthening women and families and eliminating violence and abuse through education, intervention, advocacy and community collaboration" and what a hard-working, dedicated team it has to execute its mission.

The Center honored me by asking me to speak at the walk. Below is the text of my speech, dedicated to the young people who made this walk come alive and who will soon be the adults leading the way in what I hope will be the cultural change that makes abuse no longer possible.

I’m honored to have been asked to speak here today. I was born in Bridgeport, spent the earliest years of my life here, many hours at Seaside Park. I’ve had friends and family who’ve attended or taught at UB over the years. My family and I will begin looking at colleges very shortly for my daughter, Jackie. Perhaps she should consider UB - we’ll be taking a good look around!

One thing that was not here when I was growing up was the Center for Women and Families. That what we are doing here today will help them continue to do their great work on behalf of this community is very gratifying. To so many the Center has been a lifeline, a crucial piece in their recovery from assault or their ability to successfully extricate from a difficult life situation and move on to thrive. That kind of compassionate, tireless, guiding arm in a community is invaluable and I for one, am grateful for their presence here, the true devotion of their fine staff and on a personal level, an opportunity to have met many of them with an eye toward collaboration. I can’t think of a better way to have an impact in this community than a partnership with the Center for Women and Families.

The other very gratifying thing about participating here today is YOU. I know that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month; it’s also Child Abuse Prevention Month – but I often find myself saying during April “EVERY month is Sexual Assault Awareness Month or EVERY month is Child Abuse Prevention Month” – because it is. We, and so many other organizations across the US, gather during April to mark this month in recognition of the issues, but violence happens around the clock, and the calendar, and so must the work to prevent and respond to that violence. Sexual violence, of adults or children, is so often assembled around silence and shame, secrets and conspiracy.
But here, today, by your assembly, there is no silence or shame, there are no secrets. The only conspiracy is one against the violence. You/we are standing proud, with a loud clear voice, speaking out, shattering silence saying – we stand together. This cannot happen any more. We won’t live in denial – we acknowledge this tough topic, so often taboo, here today. We are here to say there is a problem, we know it, we are facing it and we are willing to put ourselves out there to help make it stop.

Whether you’re talking about assault against adults or – as in the work I do, against children – the only way to battle the silence, the shame, the secrets, & conspiracy is education. The Center works tirelessly in that vein and so do I. And while I wrote a children’s book that facilitates discussion with even the littlest ones about their safety and boundaries, the major focus of my work, my prevention education efforts, is with adults.

And that is often not an easy task. If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard – “it just doesn’t happen here that much” – or “I don’t believe those statistics, they’re overblown” – or “he or she would never do such a thing” - I’d be a very rich woman. To get many adults to even acknowledge the problem and the need for education is the first task. But here, with YOU all, I have this tiny spark of hope, that maybe, just maybe, with this up and coming generation of new adults, my job might get a bit easier.

For as we will step off today on our walk, soon you all will be stepping off into your full-fledged adult lives. YOU will be the decision makers, in your personal lives and in your communities. YOU will be the leaders, the policy makers, the next generation of parents.YOU will be directing the organizations that serve your communities and YOU will have the power – power to create policies in your towns, your schools, your faith-based organizations, your businesses, in every part of your lives – that just might make abuse less likely to happen.

And as we head toward the lighthouse I can’t help but analogize that YOU will be the light. YOU will be the beacons. The light needed to end sexual violence is man-made, woman-made, people made. Adult awareness, education, and action, action that matches intention is what it will take so that we no longer need a Sexual Assault Awareness Month or a Child Abuse Prevention Month. Wouldn’t it be a great day when April can go back to just being the home of Easter and Passover, April showers, April fools, the beginning of spring?

That’s what I work toward every day – to get adults to understand their personal power and the effect their choices have for the safety of their children and their communities. I often speak of the need for a social and a cultural shift in the way we think about and approach the problem of sexual abuse. Cultural change is a slow process- like our walk today, one step at a time- but looking out here at you, at all the promise and hope in the face of a very real and difficult, painful problem, I have to believe we are moving forward.

In yoga there is a saying, a word “namaste” – often delivered with a nod to another – like this – and it means “the light in me honors the light in you.” So today, here at this gathering of determination and hope, the promise of a better, safer future, I say to each and every one of you, thank you for your time, your efforts, your passion, your determination.

Thank you for working to end the blight of sexual assault. Namaste.

Photo: CWF Exec Dir. Debra Greenwood, me, walker (and daughter) Jackie

"My Heart Sang"

2011-04-30T23:58:00.002-04:00

It's been the rare post for me that professes the emotion of loss and longing, regret and reconciliation. I do here. I've sat with this poem for quite a while; now, with the end of Child Abuse Prevention Month, I've decided to share it. Moving ahead, through fear and grief, acknowledging their presence and place along my road, has allowed me to embrace the joys of the heart, even when, long ago, expressing and recognizing that joy was impossible. That, in fact, is one of the reasons I work so hard for abuse prevention; every child deserves to grow up happy and whole, able to fully embrace the vast experiences of life without looking back in regret.
So today, recognizing what woke my senses and had me feeling alive, I honor what my heart held...and I am grateful for it.

My Heart Sang

My heart sang

when he sat with me,

if only for a little while.

I loved his face, his hands, his long, beautiful legs,

the sound of his voice.

We could talk about nothing much

or get on some political bent.

It didn’t matter.

Whatever it was –

the thought of him, the feel of his arm next to mine,

that he chose to be with me for a little while –

it made my heart sing.

I wanted to dance, too,

but I couldn’t.

That wasn't to be.

No song to sing, seven-year-old me cowered deep within.

Aching.

Frozen.

Afraid.

I have to make my peace with that

and say goodbye.

It’s too late.

Long over.

That young man - he’ll always make me want to sing and dance,

that’s just how it is.

I’m too tired to fight it anymore.

It just is.

That other man – the heart-piercing, soul-squelcher of that little girl –

because of him, I missed my dance.

And yet, all these years later, still, there is joy for when

my heart sang.

2011-04-25T15:45:00.001-04:00

April 10th saw a great Stewards of Children training here in MA! As usual, discussions were thoughtful and enlightening, moving and motivating and, in the end, each person walked out with a clearer vision of their piece in the child sexual abuse prevention/response pie. Among the dynamic attendees were Mary Byrne and Bo Budinsky, featured in the photo with me here.
Mary and Bo are active with a sexual assault and trauma center, Day One, in Rhode Island and their faces can be seen not only in this photo, but of late, with other survivors of sexual assault on the side of public transportation buses in RI. They are the faces of Day One's survivor advocacy group, One Voice. Representatives of One Voice spoke out at a recent Rhode Island State House event marking Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Their mission is to encourage other survivors to reach out, speak up, get help and put shame and fear behind them.
I loved meeting Bo and Mary and have such respect for the great work they are doing. You can read more about Day One and One Voice here. And, as always, I urge you to learn more about child sexual abuse prevention by visiting DarknessToLight's website and/or contacting me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.

Child Abuse Prevention Month

2011-04-01T12:28:00.002-04:00

Welcome to April - home of April Fools' Day, April showers (they bring May flowers). Easter, Passover and, since 1983, the congressionally-designated Child Abuse Prevention Month. You can read about the history of CAPM here. Anyone who knows me knows that, to me, EVERY month is Child Abuse Prevention Month - every day, every hour, every minute. The fabric of Child Abuse Prevention Month - getting educated on the facts, understanding the risks, learning how each and every one of us adults can prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child abuse - needs to be woven into our thinking, throughout our culture, so that the choices we make on behalf of children best protect them. This is not a 30 day endeavor - it's 24/7, a life-long commitment. Darkness To Light uses a seat-belt analogy to explain this best: when cars were first invented, there was no such thing as a seat belt. But after seeing accidents happen, injuries and death occurring, the seat belt idea was born. At first, seat belts in cars were an option - people had to pay extra and request to have them and only those who wanted them (or could afford them) had them installed. When it was understood just how many lives could be saved with their use, seat belts became more and more popular until one day, they were mandated. Then, not only were they mandated to be in each and every auto, but it was also required in many places that people buckle up ("click it or ticket"). Wearing seat belts, proven to save lives and reduce injuries, had gone from nonexistence to a piece of our social and cultural fabric. As more and more people got on board, social and cultural change occurred. Now, very few people venture into their cars without buckling up, as one would hope it would be.

It's no different for preventing child sexual abuse. Child protection policies regarding CSA haven't always existed in schools and other youth-serving organizations, but slowly, as it becomes clear that there are tools for prevention, recognition and response, and that those are effective tools, our culture is changing. S-L-O-W-L-Y. There is still plenty of denial, plenty of choices that don't put the children first, plenty of folks who want to look the other way or point fingers after the fact, but there are also, now, adults, and many of them, who are "getting it." Each and every adult trained in abuse prevention brings to his or her community the benefits of that education, be it in working to put in place effective policies for their faith organizations, their schools, scouts, sports or arts orgs., or effective policies for themselves and how they manage their home lives and interactions with their neighbors and friends. In fact, neighbors who sit and talk about abuse and how they can work together to prevent it are the rungs in the ladder toward reaching the cultural change we need to optimally keep kids safe.
So, to all of you I say, please, this April, take the time to learn how to prevent abuse. Share what you learn with your adult friends. Talk to your neighbors, talk to your local youth-serving organization leaders, talk to your community leaders. Talk, too, with your children, at an age-appropriate level, about abuse, boundaries, bodies. Let them know that no one has the right to do certain things to them, to ask them to keep secrets from you and that if anything happens to them, they need to tell you, you will believe them and you will make it stop. I encourage you to check out www.DarknessToLight.org and www.StopItNow.org - they are information-rich sites that can help you towards this end. Take an abuse prevention training, online or in-person. Both sites have resources to enable you to take trainings with ease. If you will be in the Boston area on April 10, please contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com and register to take, for free, the 2.5 hour, award-winning Stewards of Children training. It is the only 3rd party evaluated, evidence-based child sexual abuse prevention training for adults in the U.S. and it was the 2007 Crime Prevention Program of the Year for the National Crime Prevention Council. 2.5 hours, for free - aren't your children worth that?

(seat belt sign courtesy of PhotoBucket HEYxCOURTNEY)

Senator Brown Shares His Story

2011-02-16T17:47:00.003-05:00

Senator Scott Brown revealed in an interview to air on "60 Minutes" that he, like 39 million other Americans, was sexually abused as a child. He supported me and my efforts; I support and salute him for sharing his truth with us.You can read my original post about Senator Brown here:

http://kissesfromdolce.blogspot.com/2009/12/ma-state-senator-and-republican-u.html?spref=tw

Thank you, Senator.

Have Your Say!

2011-02-11T11:01:00.002-05:00

FindYouthInfo.gov has held "listening sessions" in major cities around the U.S., seeking input as it works to create a new uniform Federal Youth Policy to improve education and youth outcomes in this country. I attended the Boston session, where I spoke about requiring evidence-based child abuse prevention trainings to any and all adults working with youth. The session was fascinating, with folks from all over New England speaking about the issues they believed would pave a better path for U.S. youngsters.
FindYouthInfo has a website and is seeking input from all those who wish to contribute. I have included the link where you can not only contribute your thoughts, but also read summaries of the various listening sessions. I encourage you to click on the link and have your say: reiterate your belief that all adults serving youth in the public education community be REQUIRED to be trained in abuse prevention. We know evidence-based training changes peoples attitudes and behaviors and it is readily available with the Stewards of Children training.

http://www.findyouthinfo.org/provideinput.aspx

The time is NOW to have your say!
I hope you will take a few minutes to help further the cause of abuse prevention and see something so important woven into the fabric of this new policy. Thank you so very much.

Exponential Prevention

2011-02-01T10:05:00.002-05:00

One of the best things about what I do is seeing the people I've trained go on to do their own trainings. Tony Calcia, the VP/COO of the Hockomock Area YMCA, is one of those people. Probably one of the most enthusiastic folks I've met along this road, Tony is passionate about getting out there to educate not just his staff and associates, but, also, the public, about how they as adults can keep kids safer. Tony was in one of my very first facilitator trainings in 2010; now he and 2 of his staff, also trained facilitators, are planning their first Stewards of Children training for 60 people. The MA Y's as a whole are in the midst of a child sexual abuse prevention initiative, stemming from events last year in Melrose (you can read more about that here). That initiative is looking beyond MA to, hopefully, involve many Y's across the country. Given the enormous presence and power of Y's in our communities, their ability to effectively organize and engage people, offer education and opportunities for building a better life, their impact on child sexual abuse prevention could be enormous, both within their facilities and in the homes/lives of the people they serve.
I'm honored to have been a part of that effort and I'm excited to see it move forward. Go, Tony and team!

Holding Something So Painful, So Close, For So Long

2010-12-30T11:27:00.002-05:00

I had a request to meet for coffee recently from a woman who wanted to purchase several copies of "Kisses From Dolce." She is in her 80's, had seen the book at a friend's house and wanted to be sure to give a copy to each of her grown children and their families. Such a request is, of course, gratifying, and I was happy to meet with her. As is so often the case, during our meeting she proceeded to tell me about her own experience with abuse when she was a young girl, so many years ago. Not much about child sexual abuse surprises me anymore and, given the statistics, odds are the person you're with at any given time has been a victim. Perhaps because of that I have found that, since the book's release, many of my most ardent supporters are people, usually women, who were assaulted when they were young and are now in their later years. CSA victims of all ages have come forward to tell me their stories but so many older victims have literally embraced me in gratitude for feeling they now had someone they could share their story with who would understand, liberating them from holding something so painful, so close, for so long.
Another woman, in her late 70's, shared with me recently that she had never said a word to anyone about an uncle who had fondled her as a young teen - until she sat at a table with female relatives, including her sister. One of the women made a comment about the uncle and the next thing this woman knew they were all comparing notes about their experiences. The uncle had abused each of them and for all this time, so many years, no one ever said a word. Now they could speak, give voice to their experience and pain, and take strength from knowing they did nothing wrong - he was a predator. That woman, one of my biggest supporters (and I one of her biggest fans), bought numerous copies of "Kisses From Dolce" right from the beginning, donating them to libraries, schools and other community organizations. I believe she felt it was the voice she never had and she wanted to be sure that she was giving that voice to others.
Another woman, also in her late 70's, shared with me that when she was about 9 years old, she and a friend were playing and had walked into an abandoned building to explore. A man appeared from one of the rooms and exposed himself to them. The girls ran home. This woman said nothing to her family - she was too afraid. The other girl told her parents. That girl and her family came over to the friend's house to share the story with the other parents. When they did, the first little girl's father walked up to her and smacked her across the face. He hit this little girl, his daughter, because a man had exposed his genitalia to her and she had been too afraid to tell. One assault atop the other. My heart broke when she shared this with me. Instead of understanding and compassion this little girl received anger and more abuse. Perhaps her father could not handle his own myriad emotions upon hearing such distressing news...I do not know. All I know is that a little girl, 9 years old, received no support just when she needed it most. That woman had never shared her story before telling me. I can only hope that finally, after so many years of carrying it around, she found some comfort in knowing she had a voice, a right to be heard and my support. I heard her, understood what she was saying and how painful an experience that was.
If we adults learn nothing more from our awareness of CSA and its prevalence, it's that we must TALK ABOUT IT. Child sexual abuse can no longer be a taboo topic. Adults have to face the truth about how child sexual abuse happens, its prevalence, who are predators (90% are known and trusted by the victims and their families) if we are to begin to rid society of this scourge. Children are not responsible for their safety; it is our job to carry that load. Do we need to talk with children about their bodies and boundaries and trusting and telling? Absolutely, and often, whenever we are able, just as we should broach many difficult topics with them throughout their childhoods, at age-appropriate levels. You've heard me say it many times: adults need to learn how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. When we do, this will be a much safer world for our children.
I encourage you to visit Darkness To Light's website. If you like, you can take their prevention training online.
StopItNow! has wonderful resources online as well.
I hope you will consider purchasing a copy or two of "Kisses From Dolce," either directly from me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com, from Amazon or from the publisher, Trafford.
Whatever you do, please take time to get educated about child sexual abuse and to implement the prevention and response strategies that could very well spare a child years of pain and shame. The wonderful ladies I spoke of here deserved better and so do today's children.
Thanks.

"Intimations of Immortality"

2010-12-29T16:51:00.000-05:00

"Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind..." *

Glorious words from the brilliant William Wordsworth. Some days, like today, I find they offer tremendous comfort, hope and inspiration. I do believe that, among other things, healing requires grief but feeling that grief moves us along and frees up space within for strength and joy.

I offer up these great words to you today in hopes that you, like so many of Wordsworth's readers, will find "strength in what remains behind" and the ability to forge ahead in peace.

*Excerpted from Wordsworth's poem "Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood."

Ahhhhhhh...

2010-12-02T09:45:00.000-05:00

The last time I visited my hometown for an extended solo stay, I had a chance to do some healing. Part of that was the place I stayed: on the beach, with a new friend, one who's traveling her own road of self-discovery and was happy to share her place with me. This was my morning view and I find now that just looking at this photo takes me back to the peaceful, grounded feelings I had then, sitting there, contemplating and reflecting. A visit with an old friend while I was in town, one who played an important role in my journey, had been rich, and sitting facing the water, listening to the sounds of the beach, gave opportunity to take that visit in, put it all in perspective.
I know the healing road is ongoing: sometimes it's bumpy and painful, other times joy-filled. No matter which, it is deeply rewarding and moving forward with new awareness has, at least for me, opened up life's possibilities.
So, until I can get back to my perch at the beach in person, I'll stay close to my photo and just be.

A Pearl of Wisdom

2010-11-28T19:40:00.001-05:00

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.”
~ Pearl Bailey

No more layers...

Yep!

2010-11-28T00:17:00.001-05:00

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." ~ Ben Williams

Shattering Silence

2010-11-13T09:30:00.001-05:00

Shatter the Silence - Courage Network PSA from Courage Network on Vimeo.

I am honored to be included in Courage Network's new public service announcement and, especially, in their roster of folks, both men and women, working to make the world a safer place.

"An Immediate and Tangible Result"

2010-11-03T15:53:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was informed by the superintendent of a local school system that our recent Stewards of Children training, delivered to school professionals, had, in her words, "an immediate and tangible result." Directly after that training, several attendees, all school guidance counselors, approached her to express concern that none of the high school guidance rooms had doors with a window (one of the tenets of Stewards, Step 2 of the 7 Steps To Protecting Our Children, is "minimize opportunity"). The superintendent, who shared the counselors' concerns, ordered estimates on installation and the panels will soon be installed.

One on one time with an adult can be very valuable, but it doesn't have to be behind closed doors and, when it does, there are ways to reduce opportunity for abuse. One of those ways is to install a window in the door, allowing the happenings within to be seen. This is protection not only for the child, but also for the adult.

It felt great to learn that the prevention message was heard and, most importantly, inspired action. Even small changes can make a difference in mitigating child sexual abuse. Kudos to those guidance counselors and their superintendent (who had requested the Stewards training in the first place) for taking action!

New Look, Same Vital Mission, 10 Years Strong

2010-10-26T13:13:00.000-04:00

Have you visited Darkness To Light's new website? I encourage you to do so; as always, there is extensive, vital information on child sexual abuse prevention, recognition and resolution, but now the format makes navigation easier. Please share the site with friends, family, colleagues...all the folks you know who can make a difference in the life of a child and a community.
Darkness To Light is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year and while I wish with all my heart there was no reason for this great organization to exist, there is, and so, also with all my heart, I am grateful for Anne Lee's vision and commitment to educating adults on preventing child sexual abuse. Prevention IS possible; Anne has known that all along, and she, surrounded by devoted, talented, tireless individuals has steadfastly, doggedly pursued her dream of a world free from CSA. Almost 3000 facilitators around the world deliver the award-winning 2.5 hour Stewards of Children prevention training and every day that number grows. Every adult those facilitators train may mean as many as 10 children safer from sexual abuse.
And so, though I hope there will be a day, sometime soon, when Darkness To Light's work is done and they/we can all call it a day in a world free of CSA, in the meantime, I salute Anne and her team for all that they do. I am proud to be a part of that team and I know, in their capable hands, we are making a difference, one day, one training, one child at a time. Happy Birthday, D2L!

From One So Young, Who'd Seen So Much

2010-10-19T13:37:00.004-04:00

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!" ~ Anne Frank

I am continually amazed by the hope that pervaded the writings of Anne Frank. Her words, her outlook were truly testimony to the best of what lies within; if only we could all have access to it the way she did. In the midst of fear and evil can lie hope and healing, something I know survivors of many things, including child sexual abuse, deal with each day.
There is love and support out there. I hope you are in a place where you can be open to it, recognize your unique gifts and worth, and embrace the life you deserve so much. It is not an easy road but you are not alone and, yes, you can find peace and soar!

Freedom, Decency and Justice

2010-08-30T18:18:00.011-04:00

"Every time we turn our heads the other way when we see the law flouted, when we tolerate what we know to be wrong, when we close our eyes and ears to the corrupt because we are too busy or too frightened, when we fail to speak up and speak out, we strike a blow against freedom and decency and justice."

~ Robert F. Kennedy

Dylan Would Be Proud

2010-08-27T12:12:00.000-04:00

Pedal for Prevention's Subterrenean Homesick Blues from Pedal for Prevention on Vimeo.

Tyler, Landon and Mike are cycling 4000 miles across America to raise awareness and money for the child sexual abuse prevention efforts of Darkness To Light. They made this video in Kansas City - so clever in its style and powerful in its message. I hope you will watch and share it with others. Most of all, I hope you'll hear the prevention message and get involved, take a stand, to make this a safer world for kids. You can follow the trio on their journey at www.Pedal4Prevention.com.

My Little Muse

2010-08-24T19:56:00.001-04:00

So many children ask me about the "real" Dolce, the little Italian Greyhound who served as inspiration for "Kisses From Dolce." Well, here he is...courtesy of his very sweet, very human daddy. If I've learned nothing else on this journey, I've learned that there are gifts in unexpected places, gifts that can uplift and inspire, enriching our lives and offering purpose. Who knew that one little slurp from an otherwise engaged little hound would lead me where it has, enabling me to share lessons with children and offering hope and comfort to survivors, young and old? The road to "Dolce" wasn't easy, but it was filled with gifts, and gifts that continue still, and for that I am truly grateful.

Learning From Tragedy

2010-08-21T17:47:00.000-04:00

After months of his own denials, as well as the staunch support of those who thought they knew him well, Douglas Perlitz admitted sexually abusing young boys in Haiti:

http://www.ctpost.com/default/article/Honored-Fairfield-U-alum-admits-sex-abuse-at-622122.php#page-2

The video I've posted above gives viewers a sense of the environment in Haiti and a tiny modicum of understanding of what faces youngsters growing up in that environment. All children are vulnerable, but those who are orphaned, living in poverty, amidst disorder, clearly are at high risk.

I encourage people to learn from this tragic story: child sexual abuse has many faces and we cannot just assume that someone we know, or think we know, would never be a perpetrator. Instead, as adults responsible for the well-being of children, we need to learn the facts about abuse and how we can prevent it in the first place. People who sexually assault children seek out opportunities to have access, one reason that I and my colleagues at Darkness To Light encourage youth-serving organizations to make it policy that all staff be trained in child sexual abuse prevention, recognition and response.

To find a Stewards Of Children facilitator near you, click here or visit Darkness To Light's website: www.D2L.org. You can take the Stewards training in-person or online. You can also find a free, online 10 minute prevention guide from D2L right here. Remember, Stewards Of Children is the only 3rd party evaluated, evidence-based CSA prevention training for adults in the U.S. and was also named the 2007 Crime Prevention Program of the Year by the National Crime Prevention Council. We know it changes behaviors.

I am partial to Stewards because I believe deeply in Darkness To Light's premise that it is an adult's responsibility to keep kids safe, but learning the facts about CSA, how it happens, what it does to children, and how to prevent it is my ultimate goal for the adult community and so I encourage you to learn those facts via any reputable means possible. 90% of children who are abused are abused by people they know and trust. We don't want to see tragedy like the Perlitz/Haiti tragedy happen again.

Pedaling For Prevention!

2010-07-21T12:17:00.000-04:00

Tyler and Landon will be riding their bikes across the U.S. to raise awareness of child sexual abuse and the need for adults to be educated in prevention. Supporters can follow their journey as well as make donations to support their efforts at www.PedalForPrevention.com.
Go Tyler and Landon (and, of course, Darkness To Light)!

Happy Birthday, America!

2010-07-04T21:12:00.000-04:00

I found this great photo on Photobucket, posted by "Indykidslinked." I loved it and wanted to share it with you.
May every day find you, and all of our children, free and safe. Happy Independence Day!

Visitor!

2010-06-29T16:02:00.020-04:00

I was delighted to welcome Deborah Donovan Rice, Executive Director of Stop It Now!, to a recent Stewards of Children training. Deborah had an opportunity to experience Stewards firsthand as well as share with attendees information about her organization's great prevention mission. Deborah also met recently with Darkness To Light's Founder and CEO, Anne Lee, in an effort to form a "strategic alliance" in the name of child sexual abuse prevention.
I encourage you to visit the Stop It Now! website and see what Deborah's great team is up to.

Courage Network

2010-06-05T15:27:00.000-04:00

Interview w/ Susan Komisar Hausman, Child Sexual Abuse Advocate and Author of Kisses from Dolce from Courage Network on Vimeo.

I was honored to be featured on Courage Network, a wonderful online community for those coping with abuse and its aftermath. I hope you'll listen in and peruse their site, sharing the link with others you know who may have a need for such resources.
Thank you, Courage Network, for the interview and, most importantly, for the help you offer to so many in need.

"Learn the Facts. Understand the Risks."

2010-05-26T13:01:00.000-04:00

Step 1 of Darkness To Light's "7 Steps To Protecting Our Children" is "Learn the Facts. Understand the Risks." The 7 steps are at the core of the Stewards of Children prevention training, but more importantly, they are the common sense wake up call to adults about how to keep children safer from child sexual abuse.
I write this today after seeing this video, aired & posted by NBC Philadelphia regarding the discovery of an online predator manual, a how-to for sexually violating children. It is calculated and chilling. Please take the time to watch and learn, then share this video and information with other adults. Knowing what is out there, how abuse happens, is crucial in the quest to prevent and react responsibly to it.

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

Ordering "Kisses From Dolce"

2010-05-24T07:10:00.001-04:00

I just learned that Amazon is awaiting delivery of more copies of "Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling," but I want to remind you that the book is also available from the publisher at www.trafford.com/08-0805 or from me at kissesfromdolce@gmail.com.
It is deeply gratifying to know that the book is being sought out and used in the ways in which it was intended.
Thank you.

Getting Out The Prevention Message

2010-05-12T16:16:00.000-04:00

Today I am undertaking, along with my colleagues at Darkness To Light, a new venture.
For years we have watched Oprah Winfrey inform her audiences about child sexual abuse, featuring survivors, perpetrators, mental health and other professionals. Darkness To Light has contacted Oprah and her staff many times over the years in an effort to encourage her to bring its unique message and program to her viewers - all, unfortunately, to no avail. Even when D2L' s premier program, Stewards of Children, won the Crime Prevention Program of the Year in 2007 from the National Crime Prevention Council there was no invitation to appear or even a mention to her audience about what was available to them in a 2.5 hour training. Even though Stewards of Children is the only 3rd party evaluated, evidence-based prevention program in this country, still no mention.
Don't get me wrong - Oprah has brought vital information to her viewers and readers about many topics for a very long time. She's generously given away so much and helped many people. Indeed, it is because of that, because we know she has the best of intentions and because we know she can reach so many people with her message, that we are pursuing a campaign to encourage, perhaps compel, her and her staff to not only inform her audience about Stewards, but to take it themselves and to give it away. An Oprah Stewards of Children giveaway of the best possible gift: PREVENTION.
If you are on Facebook, please join our group and invite your friends to do the same.
Thank you.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=120365477986007

Melrose Goes From Darkness To Light

2010-04-10T13:23:00.002-04:00

Last year at this time Melrose, MA was reeling from the revelation that a Melrose YMCA staff member had been indicted on 20 charges of child rape. This year the town is taking a lead, pushing taboos aside, speaking up and out about child sexual abuse prevention. On April 29, Melrose will sponsor a town-wide Stewards of Children training, empowering 500 adults to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. Toward that end, this past week, I trained 15 new Stewards facilitators. These new leaders will not only participate in the town-wide training, but also take Stewards back to their own youth-serving organizations, neighborhoods, businesses and friends to continue educating the adult population.
My hat is off to Mayor Rob Dolan and the great folks I've met from Melrose, at the Y and beyond, who are working so hard to get out the prevention message. Unlike so many organizations, communities and families who discover abuse in their midst, here there are no conspiracies of silence, not from the town or the Y. Because of that, and their conviction to do the right thing in the name of safety for children, many more children will have happy and whole childhoods and, ultimately, happy and whole lives.

Child Sexual Abuse In the News - It's Time to Embrace Prevention

2010-04-02T15:43:00.000-04:00

A recent New York Times article by Laurie Goodstein states, "the Vatican's inaction was not unusual." That is correct and such inaction extends far beyond the Vatican.

A 2007 Associated Press report on abuse in US public schools found that, overwhelmingly, when it became known to school officials that staff members had violated a child, decisions were made to quietly dismiss offenders, allowing them to find other jobs, in other towns, moving on to unsuspecting victims. No police reports, no investigations, no trials.

When a young member of the Boys Choir of Harlem disclosed his abuse to a staff member, no one told the police or released the accused from his position. He remained in close proximity not only to his victim, but also to other, unsuspecting children. He was reported eventually, but the demise of the choir, according to reports, is directly related to the inaction of the staff.

Every time I lead an abuse prevention training I remind attendees that child sexual abuse (CSA) is a CRIME. It must be reported to law enforcement. The accused must have no further access to the victim or other children. The decision to report is not a roundtable discussion for the affected organization - it is a requirement incumbent upon the individual suspecting abuse. Clergy, teachers, doctors, nurses, social workers, and a long list of other folks are mandated reporters, obligated to report upon a "reasonable suspicion." In some states, everyone is a mandated reporter.

The secrecy which has surrounded CSA is a travesty that has endangered untold numbers of children throughout the years, in religious communities, in schools, in scouts, in Y's, in families. It is time to wake up and recognize that adults create environments that either enable abuse or help to prevent it. Children who have been abused carry that abuse with them throughout their lives - their life lens is never the same and it is our job as adults to protect them from the abuse as best we can.

When will we stop protecting offenders and start placing the children first?

2010-03-25T20:22:00.000-04:00

When on earth will the Vatican "get it?"

Child sexual abuse is a CRIME.

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/03/25/world/AP-Church-Abuse-Wisconsin.html?_r=1

What Kids Should Know

2010-03-18T19:50:00.002-04:00

This piece, originally published by the Connecticut Post on March 28, 2009, was posted online last April, making it widely accessible. It is no longer available through the CT Post, so I am posting it here for those who have asked. The print version included a huge blowup of one of the key pictures in "Kisses From Dolce," the picture where little Sophia sits on the floor with her teacher and her dog, learning it's OK to tell and that she has done nothing wrong. That the Post team chose that picture told me they understood exactly what this book is all about.

I thank the CT Post for bringing my message to so many readers.

The story, written by Eileen Fischer, is copyright to the CT Post.

What Kids Should Know

By Eileen Fischer STAFF WRITER

Updated: 04/10/2009 09:28:44 PM EDT

Writing for Susan Komisar Hausman, an accountant, was always something she did. Journaling, composing lines of poetry, and crafting essays were part of life for the Connecticut native now living in Stoughton, Mass., where her husband Jonathan, also from Connecticut, is a rabbi. But writing a children's book, and one with a serious subject, was the furthest thing from her mind, she said. Then, three years ago, during one of her frequent visits to Fairfield, where she grew up, Hausman met a sweet Italian greyhound named Dolce, that changed her life.

"I didn't think much of it," she said in a phone interview, "but three weeks later I started to hear words in my head and had to sit down and write them."

The words became "Kisses From Dolce, A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling" (Trafford, $15.95), which Hausman self-published and wrote all in rhyme. The finished product pretty much turned out to be what she first jotted down, she said.

It was an outgrowth, she said, of her work as a facilitator with Darkness To Light, a nonprofit organization based in Charleston, S.C., that believes adults can help stop child sexual abuse and teaches professionals in youth-serving organizations how to recognize and prevent abuse.

Sexually abused herself at age 7, Hausman runs about 15 workshops a year, some funded by the Sisterhood at her synagogue, she said. Last year she held her first one in Fairfield.

"There is a lot of denial around abuse. A lot

of people have it in their background and haven't come forward about it," she said, pointing out that one out of four girls and one out of six boys are sexually abused before they're 18. "Nothing is going to resolve child sexual abuse, but the point is to mitigate it.

"We can make it safe for our kids. Ninety percent of kids are sexually abused by people they know, love and trust. That creates a problem," she said. "Surrounding people don't want to believe that people they know are doing this."

One thing the workshops teach is that predators spend a lot of time ingratiating themselves with the children. Caring adults have to keep their eyes open to it, deeming what may be inappropriate. One way it can happen is through mentoring, she said. The one-on-one relationship can be valuable, she said, but how those relationships are set up and where the mentoring takes place has to be monitored. "You can sit on a front porch or with the door open and have one-on-one time," she said.

In the book, a little girl named Sophia goes to a day-care center where an Italian greyhound named Dolce comes to class and plays with the children. Sophia loves the little dog, but one day when she comes to school she pushes Dolce away, telling him, "I don't want to be touched." Her teacher offers help, but only when Sophia is ready to talk. Finally, the little girl tells the teacher her secret and Miss Carrie calls the right people to make things better.

Weeks go by, but then one day Sophia is smiling and playing again and getting kisses from Dolce.

The book is meant to be read by an adult to children, 4 to 8, Hausman said, and has questions at the end for discussion. "Therapists have used it and caregivers who suspect something," she said. "Most kids never tell a soul what's happened to them. There's a sense of loyalty, a sense of shame, all these things conspire to keep kids from telling.

"But there are people they can trust to tell and if they tell, things will get better again," she said and that's the lesson Sophia learns.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Stacy Karpowitz, a coordinator of outreach and education for the Aetna Foundation Children's Center at St. Francis Hospital in Hartford, has invited Hausman to speak and read from her book at a program for hospital employees and the public on April 15. The center helped more than 450 physically and sexually abused children last year, said Karpowitz, who is also a facilitator for Darkness To Light.

She said the book conveys the important message that a child's body is their own and if they do tell about inappropriate touching, they will be helped.

Children are afraid that if they tell, and if the police or the Department of Children and Families are called, they'll be taken away. Kids inherently know that telling is going to affect the family in some way, she said.

"The teacher in the book doesn't say who she tells and it doesn't convey that the child is in trouble, but that she is very brave," she said. "It's very brave to tell."

For more information, contact Hausman at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com

Telling Is the Beginning of Healing and Justice

2010-03-17T21:00:00.001-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Todd Bridges spoke recently about being sexually abused as a child and about disclosing that abuse to his father, who, according to Todd, did not believe or support him.
It is crucial to listen to a child who is trusting you enough to tell. Most children never tell anyone about their abuse, so when a child does take the risk to disclose, we must stop, listen and, calmly, take action, calling DCF or 911 or both. The odds are the abuser has more victims than the one disclosing to you, so this disclosure might be key in helping many other children.
Telling is the beginning of healing and the beginning of justice. It is our job, our adult job, to know how to handle disclosure to keep this child, and probably others, safe from further harm.

2010-02-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

Darkness To Light's Stewards Of Children is the award-winning child sexual abuse prevention workshop I facilitate. The winner of the 2007 Crime Prevention Program of the Year, awarded by the National Crime Prevention Council, Stewards is the only 3rd party evaluated, evidence-based prevention program in the U.S. This video gives you a flavor for the compelling nature of the Stewards training and a sense of why it is so important for adults to learn to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse.
Please contact me if you would like more information or visit the Darkness To Light website at www.Darkness2Light.org.

2010-02-06T10:53:00.001-05:00

I discovered this incredibly powerful public service announcement just this morning. It speaks for itself. Take a look and please share with others - it makes its compelling point so well. From CasadoMenor.org:

2010-02-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Every choice we adults make has a consequence for the safety of our children, our neighborhoods, our communities. It is my belief that this is not the place for a level 3 sex offender, someone convicted of offenses with children as young as 5. What do you think?

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

2010-01-25T10:14:00.001-05:00

Me, Mary O'Connell, Judy Clini

I was honored to speak last week at a meeting of the Agawam Junior Women's Club in Agawam, MA. The AJWC has at the heart of its mission dedication to the "betterment" of the community, which it accomplishes through a variety of programs. Club President, Mary O'Connell, invited me and my Hartford pal (and fellow Darkness To Light facilitator), Stacy Karpowitz, to address the group about child sexual abuse and its prevalence in our communities. We also spoke about recognizing and preventing abuse and about how taking a community from awareness to action is the key to a safer world for our children.

Just before the meeting began, the AJWC, which purchased many copies of "Kisses From Dolce" to deliver to local youth-serving organizations and child advocacy centers, made a presentation to the Agawam Public Library. Judy Clini, the library's director, accepted the club's donation.

Thank you to Mary for inviting me and to the club for the warm reception but, more importantly, thank you for your commitment to a safer community and your willingness to turn intention into action.

2010-01-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite actors, Gabriel Byrne, spoke out recently about being sexually abused at age 11. Byrne, who so beautifully portrays therapist Paul Weston in HBO's "In Treatment," was an altar boy at the time of the abuse. One of the storylines from the first season of "In Treatment" involved the sexual abuse of a young girl, Sophie, who had become suicidal. Byrne's portrayal of the compassionate Weston was almost therapeutic for me as a survivor to watch, as he gave Sophie her safe place to fall so she could face her truths and begin to heal.
I know, for me, revealing my own story was a process and I held it close to the vest for a long time. Still today I understand that I owe no one anything regarding my story and sharing it is always my choice.
So, I say thank you to Gabriel for sharing his. He and other celebrities who speak out open a door for others, who may be fearful or ashamed, to realize that they did nothing wrong and that there is much support and love out there to be had.

2010-01-15T10:05:00.000-05:00

Cindy McElhinney, Cathy Townsend (both of D2L), me, D2L Founder and CEO, Anne Lee

Darkness To Light held three days of workshops here in Massachusetts earlier this week: two days of community awareness training followed by a facilitator training. The days were dense with information and a wonderful opportunity to connect with so many others working on child sexual abuse prevention. Day three was particularly meaningful to me as I led the full-day workshop and became certified as a Facilitator Instructor, able now to "train the trainers" who go out and lead our Stewards Of Children trainings.

I invite you to visit Darkness To Light's web pages at www.Darkness2Light.org and learn about its mission to educate adults to "prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse." Stewards Of Children is a 3rd-party evaluated, evidence-based program, winner of the 2007 Crime Prevention Program of the Year by the National Crime Prevention Council, leading the way in turning awareness of CSA into action, changing behaviors, that protect children. We know this program works. I encourage you to take the 2.5 hour training, live or online, and help make your community, and our world, a safer place.

2009-12-13T17:45:00.002-05:00

MA State Senator and Republican U. S. Senatorial candidate, Scott Brown, showing off his copy of "Kisses From Dolce." Though I have been a life-long Democrat, I admire Senator Brown's tireless efforts in fighting child sexual abuse: he has supported and sponsored a variety of legislation toward that end. Thank you, Senator Brown.

"Kisses From Dolce" may be purchased at Amazon, Trafford, or, at a slightly discounted price, from me. Wherever you choose to purchase, please know that a portion of each new book sale will be donated to a child sexual abuse prevention workshop fund. Thank you for helping us help kids.

2009-12-02T15:34:00.000-05:00

I was honored with the first guest post on Darkness To Light's facilitator blog. Please take a look:
http://www.d2lfacilitators.blogspot.com/

2009-10-25T19:21:00.001-04:00

In this photo: George Markley, me, Norma Peterson

I had the honor of speaking last week at the Fairfield, CT Rotary Club (www.FairfieldRotary.org). Given Rotary's commitment to community, ethics and "service above self," discussing the hows and whys of child sexual abuse, and the difference a community can make, with these folks felt especially meaningful and productive.

Indeed, because of that event, every single children's advocacy center in Connecticut will soon have a copy of "Kisses From Dolce!"

Thank you to Paul Greatsinger, Norma Peterson and George Markley for giving me such a wonderful, receptive forum; thank you to those who attended and paid such rapt attention to what can be a tough subject; thank you to the folks who stayed to chat and purchase books for themselves and the CAC's. It was a lovely, meaningful day.

After an event, I will often take a walk or a ride to clear out my head, take in all that's happened and, weather permitting, soak up the wonderful weather. After the Rotary luncheon, I headed to Fairfield beach, where the sounds of the gulls and the waves melded with the glistening tide to create just a little slice of heaven and offer some peace. One of my favorite things to do in one of my favorite places to do it...

2009-10-25T19:12:00.000-04:00

Me, October 12, 2009, the night of the MomTV interview. Though technology got in the way of the full interview we had planned, MomTV has posted video that can be watched on their playback page:

http://www.momtv.com/YourCausesPlayback.html

Once you are on the page, do the following:

click on the word "Menu"

then click "View Movies"

then click "Live Recording 10/13/2009"

The video will begin.

Kudos to Danielle Smith for getting out the info I was so hoping to share myself:

the drive to get "Kisses From Dolce" in every children's advocacy center in this country.

To purchase a book for a CAC, please contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com

Thanks!

2009-10-12T18:20:00.000-04:00

"Kisses From Dolce" may be purchased directly from me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com, at Amazon.com or from the publisher at Trafford.com. A portion of each new book sale is donated directly to a child sexual abuse prevention workshop fund. Please consider purchasing one or more books to donate to a children's advocacy center, school, library or other youth-serving organization. There are 700 children's advocacy centers in the U.S.; I can help match you up with one that would like the book.
For more information about the book, book events, Darkness To Light workshops or speaking engagements, please contact me, Susan Komisar Hausman at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.

Together we can make a difference!

2009-10-09T11:12:00.001-04:00

Please tune in!
I will be on MomTV talking about "Kisses From Dolce" and child sexual abuse...this Monday, October 12, 9 PM EST at www.momtv.com/yourcauses.html You can participate, ask questions or just sit back and watch! I'm launching my drive to place "Kisses From Dolce" in all 700 US children's advocacy centers and fund the No Secrets No Shame Foundation. For more information, you may reach me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.

I hope you'll join us!

2009-10-05T18:23:00.002-04:00

"Teaching Children To Trust, To Tell," written by Susan Campbell, was published on April 28, 2009 by The Hartford Courant. The article was recently archived by the paper, accessible only for a fee, however, the Courant has graciously agreed to let me post it here, fully credited, in its entirety. Thank you to Susan for a beautiful article and to the Courant for allowing me to post.

TEACHING CHILDREN TO TRUST, TO TELL

    Susan Komisar Hausman settles herself onto a dinky preschooler's chair too small for a 7-year-old, much less an adult woman.
    But Hausman is on a mission.
    She has in hand her new book, "Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling," a story about a little girl named Sophia and Dolce (Italian for "sweet"), a dog she befriends.
    In the story, Sophia one day withdraws from the class - even beloved Dolce - and works up her nerve to tell her teacher that someone is touching her inappropriately. The story ends happily. Her teacher "made some phone calls to people she knew who could make things better. Thank goodness! Phew!"
    It is a story with which Hausman is all too familiar. At age 7, a trusted family friend in his 40s molested her. She told no one until she was in her late 40s, and her parents believed and supported her.
    So her story ended happily, too, "but who wants to wait until you're 48 years old?" says Hausman, who has also written poetry. "That's always been the driving force behind this book. If one little one who hears this story would turn to someone they trust and say, 'I need help,' it will have been worth it. It comes from that place."
    Today, Hausman has come from her Massachusetts home to read "Dolce" with other volunteers to all 71 Community Renewal Team preschool classes scattered around six towns, including Hartford. That's nearly 1,300 students, and she's joined by Department of Children and Families Commissioner Susan I. Hamilton, and state Sen. John Fonfara, D-1st District, in conjunction with Child Abuse Prevention Month.
    Everyone put their own spin when they read the book aloud, but their shared message was: If someone's touching you, and you feel bad, tell someone you trust, and keep telling until it stops.
    Hausman settles in under the watchful eye of Stacy Luna, a CRT teacher and a fierce and smiling woman who looks as though she can part water just by raising her eyebrows. Luna talks to the children about safe touch all the time, she says. These are her children, and they are what keep her coming in.
    The 10 children in Miss Stacy's class today - ages 3 to 5 - sit cross-legged on the floor, crackling with energy and quick to shoot their hands skyward when Hausman asks a question.
    "Who should Sophia tell?" asks Hausman as she starts reading the story.
    The answers come quickly: Her mom. Her dad. Her aunt. Her grandpa. Her teacher, to which Luna interjects: "Because Miss Stacy is here to keep you - what?"
    "Safe!" the children answer.
    "Do we keep secrets about touching?" asks Hausman.
    "Nooo!" the children cry.
    "That's right," says Hausman. "We tell, and we keep telling until it stops."
    When Hausman finishes the book, a tiny boy sitting in the corner pops up and asks, "Can I give you a hug?"
    Hausman says yes and is soon smothered in a clutch of preschoolers throwing their arms around her, and each other.
    Afterward, Hausman says quietly, "They had a workshop or something. Did you hear them ask? 'Can I give you a hug?' "

*To purchase "Kisses From Dolce," e-mail: kissesfromdolce@gmail.com.

To see the photo "Just After The Group Hug Broke Up" on Susan Campbell's blog, "Fear Itself", click here.

2009-10-03T19:12:00.003-04:00

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart" ~ Helen Keller

2009-10-01T20:21:00.000-04:00

My heart goes out to the very brave and courageous Elizabeth Smart, and her family. She testified today at the trial of her abductor.You can read about her testimony, and her horrific ordeal, here...
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,558548,00.html

2009-10-01T19:31:00.001-04:00

Whatever your personal beliefs about Mackenzie Phillips' incest disclosure, it is hard to look away from the outpouring of public reactions. So many of the online comments I've read are vicious broadcasts of disgust at her and her decision to disclose. Comment after comment, blaming the hideousness of the story on her, berating her for her drug abuse, for now removing the joy of listening to John's music, among other things. There are also numerous supportive, compassionate words, but one thing is very clear: the topic of incest provokes tremendous disgust, aimed, unfortunately, and all too commonly, at the victim.
And make no mistake about it, she was a victim.
It is a parent's job, an adult's job, to create environments for children that are safe, to establish and uphold boundaries. Even with the incest piece removed, it seems there were few, if any, boundaries, in Mackenzie's life with her father. They did drugs together; by his own admission, he shot her up for the very first time. Though she was 19 at the time of their first sexual encounter, the parent/child boundaries that should have been in place were non-existent. While she has love and compassion for him, her father failed her and some
of his behavior was, I believe, criminal.
Perhaps Mackenzie cannot access her anger at him. Perhaps she has and isn't sharing that with us. I don't know.
I do know that this step, speaking out, is the hardest thing any survivor can do because recrimination awaits at every turn. She will, though, find supporters among the throng and, hopefully, garner enough fortitude from that support to cope with the myriad of feelings and challenges survivors face.
For the rest of us, this is a lesson. Child sexual abuse is all around us. 90% of abuse is perpetrated by someone a child (and likely the family) knows and trusts. Approximately 50% of that is familial, incest.
Based on the remarks I've seen online, many people need much education about how CSA happens, why it continues and what they can do to prevent, recognize and respond to it. People still do not want to think that those among us, folks they know, would do such a thing. People want to maintain the status quo at all costs, which is why the victims, rather than the perpetrators, so often take the very harsh blame.
But the most important piece in protecting children is for each of us adults to look within, taking a good, long look in the mirror, facing ourselves and our own self-imposed obstacles. What are our personal challenges in combating abuse? Why are we afraid to report something when we have a "reasonable suspicion," the standard for mandated reporting? Holding onto false beliefs, often grounded in ignorance, steeping ourselves in denial, makes action impossible and perpetuates this terrible problem. The choices we make, to face this societal problem, and each case, head on, or to look away, are ours.We owe it to our kids to do the right thing.

2009-09-16T19:23:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Mark Snyder, host of "Snyder's Stoughton," for inviting me on the show to talk about "Kisses From Dolce" and preventing/responding to child sexual abuse. We taped an excellent, thoughtful interview today which will air locally this Friday, Saturday and Sunday at 7 PM on channel 9. Viewers who would like to order the book may contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com or find it at Amazon.com.

Photo by Cindy Pazyra

2009-09-11T13:16:00.000-04:00

I cannot let this day pass without mention of all those who lost their lives, or were injured, on this day, eight years ago. They, and their loved ones, are in my thoughts.

2009-09-03T20:12:00.001-04:00

Oh, yes..."Reading and weeping opens the door to one's heart, but writing and weeping opens the window to one's soul" ~ M.K. Simmons

2009-09-03T13:35:00.002-04:00

I am honored to share with you that Darkness To Light has included "Kisses From Dolce" on its prevention resource reading list for children! You can link to it here (and peruse the D2L website at the same time)!

2009-09-03T12:48:00.003-04:00

Thank you to local TV producer, Roy Cohen, for inviting me to appear on Comcast's "We The People" show, hosted by Steve Fradkin, to discuss child sexual abuse and "Kisses From Dolce." When Roy told me they wanted to interview me for an hour I was concerned: would I have enough of interest to say for such a long show? Well, yes, I did! We did; Steve had some thoughtful and engaging questions/ideas that easily sparked conversation. Before I knew it, the hour was done!
I am relatively new to the interview business and still have a lot to learn about making sure I say what is important to me. Two things I omitted were: 1) a nod to my ATC Sisterhood associates who have helped the Darkness To Light effort up here take wing and, 2) the important point that a % of every new book sale benefits our D2L Workshop Fund at ATC Sisterhood! So to all readers who are here as a result of the show, please take note!
You can link right here to Darkness To Light, Amazon.com and our ATC Sisterhood D2L Workshop schedule. If you would like to purchase a book, schedule a prevention workshop or contact me for any reason, you may reach me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.
The show we taped will air in Stoughton this Sunday @ 6PM, Monday @ 8PM and Tuesday @5PM. It airs in Easton Monday @ 4 PM and Tuesday @ 4:30 PM. I hope you will watch it and let me know what you think!

2009-08-16T14:53:00.003-04:00

So beautifully soulful and inspiring...
"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." ~ William Wordsworth
Amen.

2009-08-16T09:10:00.002-04:00

Friends. There would have been no way for me to navigate my road without them. Healing is a process, at times more intense than others, and each step of the way I've been surrounded by great people. They all have their own lives, their own struggles, but, for the most part, when I've needed them, they've been there, offering an ear, some sage advice or a supportive shoulder to lean on.
Putting together "Kisses From Dolce" was more than creative process, it was an opportunity to look at some old beliefs and challenge them, creating confidence where there once was none. That process took time and, because of that, the book took longer than it otherwise might have. In the end, I did the book, as Sinatra used to sing, my way. My friends' support allowed me self-acceptance, helped give me that confidence.
Today, navigating the business of getting the book out there to do its work, is no different. I still need sage advice, not only from friends, but from folks in-the-know about such efforts. Carrie, who knows the social work world; Lynn, who knows public relations, and David, with years in business and an MBA, my business guru. Professionals all, they are also my friends.
I'm prompted to write this piece after consulting with David about yet another business question.
Despite the fact that I used to be an accountant, my head just doesn't think in business mode any more (if it ever really did in the first place). I do think about opportunities, possibilities; I contact folks I believe could use the book or might help others find the book. I want to meet and speak with as many folks working in CSA prevention and resolution as I can. But I don't always see that through a business lens. David does. And he usually reminds me so.
What is fascinating to me, though, is how that reminding, coaching, teaching, has changed over the last months. In the beginning, David could be tougher on me (and I don't judge him for that, it was his way of making sure I understood and would get the job done); now, though he has his standards, his approach has softened.
A few months ago, as we sat at lunch, David asked me a simple question, something as a business owner I should have known but did not. I was mortified at not knowing the answer and said so. I knew that not knowing something so basic about my own operation was not a good thing. We sat in silence for a bit until I looked over at him and reiterated that I was "mortified" at not knowing the answer. I just don't think like that anymore, I had said, feeling bad, having trouble even looking him straight in the eye. He was quiet for a moment and then, softly, thoughtfully, explained that, maybe, if I did still think that way, I never would have written the book. I looked over at him. He got it. He got me. And I got a sensitive, supportive remark from this veteran businessman that allowed me self-acceptance. It was the remark of a friend.
Sometimes, in response to a question I'll pose, David will write or call and begin the conversation with "Ah, grasshopper!" his nod to the old TV series, "Kung Fu" and the wise David Carradine character addressing his underling. He'll often remind me, when I become anxious or flustered about the business piece of the book, that I'm just a "podunk author from a no-name town!" Instantly, I'm more at ease, things seem more in perspective and I can move ahead less intimidated.
We laugh, I listen, sometimes we disagree; I solicit his advice and respect it and he'll still, thank goodness, call and strongly make his points about what he believes I need to do to keep my book out there and strong, growing No Secrets No Shame, hopefully helping others. But the most important lesson I've learned is that, in the end, when all is said and done, I must do my business, and my life, my way. Weighing great professional advice gets balanced with increasing reliance on the self-respect that's been so long in the making and that can still be a struggle. Such confidence and self-respect might never have come my way without the support of my great friends along this twisting, turning healing road. And I am so grateful.

2009-08-16T01:57:00.002-04:00

Fear, hope and renewal just north of NYC...offering hope for those who struggle with addictions...from the New York Times

2009-08-14T10:28:00.004-04:00

Did you know that when children disclose abuse, many of them tell a teacher or coach? Would you know how to respond if a child disclosed to you? Would you know who to call for help?
If you are a teacher, you are invited to our next Darkness To Light Stewards Of Children workshop free of charge. Join us on Sunday, August 23rd, 9:30 AM til noon, at ATC in Stoughton for this award-winning program where you will learn how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse (CSA). Stewards was named the McGruff Crime Prevention Program of the Year by the National Crime Prevention Council in September of 2007 and is a powerful, motivating 2 and 1/2 hours of information and discussion, primary prevention education on CSA.
No matter what you do for a living, if you care for children and want them to grow up healthy and whole, this workshop is for you.
Every participant will receive a certificate of completion at workshop's end. A light breakfast will be served.
A % of the sale of each "Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting & Telling" is donated directly to the ATC Sisterhood D2L Workshop Fund.
Contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com if you would like to attend or to get more information. You can visit Darkness To Light online at www.D2L.org and ATC Sisterhood at www.atorah.org/d2l.htm.

2009-08-03T14:34:00.001-04:00

"Kisses From Dolce" is now also available at The New Social Worker Online bookstore! Click here to link...

2009-07-21T10:55:00.005-04:00

If you Google the name Wayneho Kam, you will discover that this young man, now a student at Duke University in North Carolina, has accomplished quite a few things in his young life. He, along with his twin brother, Waynekid, graduated their magnet high school in Raleigh, NC as co-valedictorians. The brothers were among 14 students chosen from over 100 to participate as interns in a cutting-edge program for outstanding high schoolers at Duke's Cancer Center four summers ago and also co-authored a science blog where topics included the environment. Involved as well with the Duke U. Red Cross group, Wayneho seems deeply committed to improving our world.
Toward that end, he has teamed up with the founder of the Invisible Youth Network, creating an initiative for child abuse prevention, "Students For The Children." The effort, in its early stages, hopes to establish groups on campuses and high schools across the country where students will take on the task of preventing child abuse in their communities. Given the scope of child abuse, this could mean that many more folks will become aware of and educated about abuse, preventing and recognizing it, ultimately mitigating its occurrence.
I learned about Wayneho's efforts when he contacted me about a collaboration via Twitter. If you visit the Invisible Youth Network site and click on the "Our Campaign" link, you can read more about the initiative and its collaborators.
My hat is off to you, Wayneho! Let's keep the prevention wagon rolling...

2009-07-01T23:46:00.003-04:00

Check out our upcoming Boston-area Darkness To Light workshop dates! If you haven't already taken the award-winning Stewards Of Children CSA Prevention workshop for adults, join us. It could make a difference to a child you know.
A % of each new "Kisses From Dolce" book sold benefits the ATC Sisterhood D2L Workshop Fund.
Help us help kids!!

2009-06-29T07:56:00.003-04:00

You can read more about "Kisses From Dolce" on Success Books' Twitwall. Thanks to Success Books for posting a great page! You can link to their Twitter page here.

2009-06-21T14:38:00.008-04:00

Today, the day of the year with the most light, we walked from darkness to light in support of ATC Sisterhood's Darkness To Light Stewards Of Children CSA education and prevention workshops. Named the "Take 7 Steps" walk, it was our way of saluting D2L's 7 Steps To Protecting Our Children, the backbone of the Stewards program. We walked 7K (4.3 miles)...1K for each Step. The police escorted us as we made our way through Stoughton, MA, passing 4 schools, the Little League fields and the courthouse, stopping along the way at each K to post and acknowledge each Step of prevention. "Kisses From Dolce" fits perfectly with Step 3, Talk About It. For more information about bringing the workshop to your school, faith center, youth-serving organization or neighborhood, or about the book, contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com. You can find Darkness To Light online at www.D2L.org.

Photos by Inez Springer (that's her, 4th pic down!)

2009-06-17T09:32:00.003-04:00

Two years ago, on the longest day of the year, we literally walked from darkness to light in support of ATC Sisterhood's CSA (child sexual abuse) prevention efforts and our Darkness To Light Stewards Of Children workshops. It was an awesome, meaningful experience; we gathered before dawn on Boston's Freedom Trail at the site of our nation's first school house and walked to the colonial home of Paul Revere.
This year we will "Take 7 Steps" in support of D2L's "7 Steps To Protecting Our Children," the tenets of the Stewards Of Children workshops. We will walk in Stoughton, 7 K, one K for each step ("Kisses From Dolce" fits beautifully with Step 3: Talk About It).
Please join us on this meaningful occasion. Learn the 7 Steps, promote awareness and help make our community, and the world, safer for our children. You can read more about our efforts and the walk here.
See you Sunday!

(photo by Marilyn Rabinovitz)

2009-05-30T13:50:00.004-04:00

The wonderful Hartford HeadStart event in April: Lena Rodriguez, President and CEO of Community Renewal Team, Susan Hamilton, Commissioner of DCF, and me. Lena and Susan were among many guests invited to read "Kisses From Dolce" to over 1300 children in 71 classrooms.

2009-05-30T01:34:00.003-04:00

I wrote to the New York Times this week in response to John Banville's heartbreaking, and sobering, op-ed piece on child abuse in Ireland. The abuse, documented in a recently released 2600-page report, went on for years and was supported by a community system of secrets and denial. Those secrets resulted in, among other things, tremendous shame, both for the abused and for many in the surviving complicit community. Mine is letter # 2.

2009-05-23T20:02:00.002-04:00

If you already have "Kisses From Dolce" in your home, please consider purchasing one or two copies to donate to a children's advocacy center, school, library or other youth-serving organization. There are so many deserving orgs., across this country and around the globe and, especially given the tight economy, I am sure they would be most grateful for the gift, another tool to use in giving children a voice.
If you are unsure where to gift your purchase, let me know and we can work together to find a place. I'm at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.

2009-05-20T16:51:00.002-04:00

Judith Caplan and me after last night's event at Temple Beth Am in Randolph, MA. The audience was multi generational and even the youngest attendees, middle schoolers, had something to say about keeping kids safe. It was an excellent program!

2009-05-20T16:42:00.002-04:00

This story is a tough one; so much pain and suffering for so many children, our most vulnerable population. No one should have to endure these things.

2009-05-20T10:38:00.003-04:00

"Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling" is # 1 on Amazon's Juvenile Fiction/Social Issues/Sexual Abuse book list ! Awesome! Thank you!!

2009-05-20T10:20:00.005-04:00

You can read reviews of "Kisses From Dolce" on Amazon; order the book from Amazon, Trafford Publishing or directly from me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com.
A percentage of the sale of each new book is donated to the ATC Sisterhood D2L Workshop fund, allowing us to offer the award-winning "Stewards Of Children" prevention workshop for adults to as many folks as possible.
Preventing, recognizing and responding to child sexual abuse is what the workshop and the book are all about.

2009-05-13T20:20:00.002-04:00

Today I had the pleasure of addressing the Norfolk/Sharon Chapter of the Brandeis National Committee at their lovely spring luncheon. What a lively, thoughtful, intelligent group of women! Here I am with event organizers Rochelle Hurvitz, Joyce Kaufman and Hilda Egel.
Louis Brandeis once said, "Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman." He wrote those words about the banking industry, upon the creation of the Federal Trade Commission, but they couldn't be more apropos of child sexual abuse. It is up to us adults to shine the light on the insidious problem of CSA by learning what it is, how it happens, how we can prevent, mitigate and respond to it. We can't be afraid of talking about it, we must...both with other adults and with our children.

2009-05-09T13:18:00.002-04:00

"Kisses From Dolce" is now on Twitter!!
http://twitter.com/KissesFromDolce

2009-05-09T13:09:00.004-04:00

Barring any surprises at Tuesday night's town selectman meeting, ATC Sisterhood will be sponsoring our "Take 7 Steps" 7K on the longest day of the year, Sunday, June 21st. We will begin just prior to sunrise and, like we did on the Freedom Trail two years ago, we will walk from Darkness To Light in support of D2L's "7 Steps To Protecting Our Children" and its Stewards Of Children CSA prevention workshop.
I know it's Father's Day, but what better way to demonstrate your devotion to keeping your kids safe than walking in the name of prevention?
If you live in the Boston area and would like to schedule/attend an upcoming D2L Stewards workshop, please contact me. You can learn more about Darkness To Light's mission and the Stewards program at www.Darkness2Light.org.

2009-04-28T15:28:00.001-04:00

From today's Hartford Courant, by Susan Campbell...

http://www.courant.com/features/columnists/hc-susan0428.artapr28,0,40588.column

2009-04-27T16:22:00.003-04:00

Hartford MDT Coordinator, Ann Glaser, with Hartford Courant columnist, Susan Campbell. Susan received one of the afternoon's two "Child First" Awards for her work reporting on abuse.

Stacy and "Child First" Award winner, Jake Lewtan, 13, who organized "Jake's FREEZE" to raise money for the Aetna Foundation Children's Center child abuse prevention programs.

2009-04-25T20:43:00.001-04:00

Pinwheels explained...

2009-04-25T20:41:00.001-04:00

Reading at the child abuse prevention event on 4/15.

2009-04-25T20:38:00.001-04:00

Regina Dyton, me and Stacy Karpowitz at the 4/15 prevention event in the St. Francis rotunda.

2009-04-25T20:28:00.001-04:00

Rotunda event poster surrounded by over 400 pinwheels (painstakingly tied by Ms. Karpowitz).

2009-04-25T20:25:00.001-04:00

Rabbi Diana Manber, Angela Shelton and me at the Voices of Valor Celebration in NYC 4/1/09.

2009-04-25T15:13:00.007-04:00

April is Child Abuse Prevention month. While those who work tirelessly on prevention and resolution know that every month, every day, is abuse prevention time, dedicating a calendar month toward abuse, I believe, is an effective way of directing public attention to a topic many folks prefer to sweep under the rug. No more. Not possible.

April began for me in NYC, attending the Voices of Valor Celebration sponsored by Dayenu! Enough Silence. Dayenu is the family violence initiative of the NY Board of Rabbis, headed up by Rabbi Diana Manber. The event, meaningful and moving, honored several NY area professionals for their work in prevention, resolution and healing: Dr. Mel Schneiderman, Iona Siegel, Shoshannah Frydman and posthumously, Rabbi Julie Spitzer. Also honored was keynote speaker, Angela Shelton. Angela, who due to a back injury was forced to spend most of the event in pain and in a wheelchair, has been a dynamic, outspoken advocate for victims and prevention. A model, actress, writer, Darkness To Light facilitator, and filmmaker, Angela won acclaim for her film “Searching For Angela Shelton.” It was an honor and inspiration to meet her and hear her speak.

April 15 took me to Hartford, CT, back to my friends at the Aetna Foundation Children’s Center at St. Francis Hospital. Stacy Karpowitz, Coordinator of Outreach and Education for the Center, planned a wonderful abuse prevention event in the Patient Care Tower Rotunda at St. Francis. Students from the Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts sang (I was floored to realize I knew the composer, Jim Papoulis; haven't seen him since freshman year at UPenn), Sister Judy Cary, VP of Mission Integration at St. Francis delivered a beautiful blessing, Stacy "emceed" and I was the speaker. I read "Kisses From Dolce" to the 80-plus attendees and then spoke, briefly, about my own experience with abuse, hope and healing. Afterwards, I had the pleasure of meeting several attendees, like-minded folks, for whom abuse prevention/resolution is paramount. Displayed in the rotunda were over 400 pinwheels, each one symbolizing an abused child who had been treated during the year at the CAC.

Minutes before I spoke, the CAC manager, Regina Dyton, shared with me about meeting, in the hospital corridor, a young woman she had helped 14 years ago. The woman rushed up to Regina, gave her a huge, firm hug and asked if she remembered who she was. Regina had successfully worked to save the then-teen from an abusive living environment. Here she was, so many years later, living a fulfilling and productive life, the goal of any professional working to help a young abuse victim. Ironically, the night before the event, Regina and Stacy had spent hours at the CAC working on a crisis case, a family just at the beginning of their road. It had been a long, draining evening for all involved and yet, here, the very next day, in all her weariness, Regina came face to face with someone on the other end, someone she herself had helped. The reminder of why they do what they do. Less than 24 hours, full circle. I know it resonated deeply with Regina, and, after I received her permission to share the story with the rotunda crowd, with everyone else there.

It was a beautiful story, beautiful event, beautiful day.

Friday morning I headed back to Hartford, first to one of the Community Renewal Team's Head Start centers for its Family Fun Day. The center, on Locust Street, is bright and vibrant and there was so much going on that morning. Bethanne Vergean, the Disability, Mental Health and Transition Manager for CRT, had invited me to read "KFD" to 13 classrooms. What a wonderful experience that was! This is what the book is all about and sitting, reading, and interacting with these smart, beautiful children was fantastic. They "got" the book; we talked about trusting, touching and telling. We talked about not keeping secrets and who they would tell if they ever had a problem. All of these children have taken Stacy's "My Body Is Special" workshop, so this reinforced what they've already talked about before.

Each class had prepared a special question for me...these were the best! Among the topics: the color of my house, how long it took me to write the book, what color Dolce really is. One child told me about her pet goldfish, another about his pet tiger!! The children often gathered close around me, playing with my jewelry. Some asked for a hug.

After reading it was off to the Lyceum for the very first “Child First” luncheon saluting the Hartford Multidisciplinary Team (MDT). Stacy and MDT Coordinator, Ann Glaser, were the masterminds behind this event and they did a wonderful job. Two awards were presented: to Susan Campbell, the award-winning Hartford Courant columnist who writes often about child abuse, and to Jake Lewtan, 13 years old, who created a “Freeze” event to raise money for abuse prevention. Several folks spoke, including the Hartford Chief of Police, Daryl K. Roberts, who so beautifully reminded everyone of our daily duty in protecting children through not only our actions but also our words. For those of you unfamiliar with the Multidisciplinary model, the team includes law enforcement, medical personnel, mental health professionals, educators, legal representatives and victim advocates. The goal of the MDT, and I am greatly simplifying here, is to provide a coordinated effort, maximizing successful prosecution of perpetrators and minimizing further trauma to the child.

This team does incredible, amazing work. It was an honor to spend an afternoon in their presence; every community needs a team like this.

And, finally, speaking of honored…Thursday, April 23rd, was, for me, an extraordinary day. 71 Head Start classrooms, almost 1300 children, read “Kisses From Dolce” simultaneously.
CRT’s Bethanne put this event together, inviting, aside from me, guest readers to read and discuss the book with the children. Among the readers were some of CT’s top child advocates: DCF Commissioner Susan Hamilton, Jeanne Milstein, Karen Foley Schain of the Children’s Trust Fund, Elaine Zimmerman of the Commission on Children. Seven of Hartford’s police detectives, who work closely with Stacy on the MDT, read, as well.

Combined with the Locust Street event the previous week, almost 1500 Hartford children have had the experience of hearing and discussing the book. Child abuse prevention is a self-described passion for Bethanne and it shows. She worked long and hard to coordinate this event and, in the end, many children walked away with knowledge and tools to help themselves a bit better.

The photos from the CRT event have not yet arrived in my mailbox, but I do have one to share with you. Classroom # 8 wrote a song to sing for me about the book and what they learned. They wrote the lyrics on a very large paper bone:

“Touch me high, touch me low, but PLEASE respect me when I say NO! With a Knick Knack Paddy Whack Give a dog a bone. This is Dolce’s favorite song!”

After they sang, they presented me with my bone and I went on my merry way! I adore it!

In closing, I would be remiss if I did not stop and say thank you to the cadre of wonderful people I have met in Hartford. Who could have known when I met Stacy at our ATC Darkness To Light facilitator workshop one year ago, that not only would we become fast friends, but that so many wonderful opportunities and other friendships would come my way? It’s been a pleasure and an honor. I hope we have many more opportunities together in the future.

(Bear with me...I have several event photos to share but am having a problem uploading...they are on their way...)

2009-04-11T07:39:00.003-04:00

http://www.connpost.com/women/ci_12118198

Two weeks ago the Connecticut Post published this piece on me and "Kisses From Dolce." Though no illustrations appear in the online version, they did in the hard copy and it was clear to me from the Post's choice of the page 16 artwork, that they really "got" what this book is all about. Thanks to Eileen Fischer for doing a wonderful job.
The article is now online and, so, I share it with you.

2009-04-08T11:18:00.011-04:00

Tonight begins the holiday of Passover, a time for looking back and telling our collective story, again, so that we may inform the next generation of its history and, also, so that we will never forget our struggles. I have had mixed emotions about organized religion for a very long time, though I am spiritual, and each holiday brings with it a bundle of thoughts and feelings with which I must cope. I do have to say, though, that as a CSA survivor I know how important the "telling" of any story is and Passover is no exception. My good friend, Carrie, a therapist and the model for "Kisses From Dolce's" Miss Carrie, has said to me all along that "the healing is in the telling" and how right (and write) she has been.
Toward that end, I am including here an essay I wrote several years ago. It was the first time I had written for a larger audience about my abuse and it was published in a Jewish newspaper. Unfortunately, the publisher, acting as editor and without informing me, removed the very lines that had been hardest to say and write. When the essay appeared, I was inconsolable for 15 minutes. Then, I picked myself up and sought answers from him. He never responded to any of my inquiries. He did, however, inform my husband that he removed the lines because of "Loshon Hora," the Jewish concept of negative talk, gossip. He went on to say that he felt the piece was still powerful, even without the lines. As you will see, nowhere in my piece are names named, just me baring my soul. I felt disregarded and disrespected.
And so, I offer this to you, whether you observe Passover or Easter or nothing at all, the unedited version (lines he removed in bold), my feelings about religion, goodness and decency in humanity.

"O Lord,
Guard my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking guile,
And to those who slander me, let me give no heed.
May my soul be humble and forgiving unto all."

So begins the conclusion of the Amidah and some of my favorite words in the siddur.
Of late, they have been especially meaningful.

Almost forty years after the fact I have recovered memories, hideous and evil.
A beloved neighbor and dear friend to our family raped me, among other things, and finding my way out of a lifelong struggle with my own worthiness has meant needing to face the truth, head on, and surmount it.

Thankfully, I am doing that. Each day is a struggle, some better than others. And not just for me, but for my husband and child. I’ve found tremendous support, both professional and personal, in the form of my wonderful family and true, compassionate friends.

But mostly, I have found myself, always a deep believer in God, deeply grateful to Him for granting me strength and for guiding me from one source of illumination to the next. I am very aware that it is His gifts that have enabled me to see those things in front of me, the tools in my healing, as steps along the way, on a path I am carving with the stones He has provided. I believe that my ability to be open to seeing and hearing truths which for so many years I could not is one of His great gifts to me. And I am so grateful.

I am married to a rabbi, but I have never been a regular shul-goer. I always went when I felt the need or inspired, and indeed that hasn’t changed. What has changed, however, is my ability to embrace the Jew that I am, as good enough, for only me to judge. I’ve known traditional Jews who have maligned the reform traditions, and even-more traditional Jews who malign those not-enough-traditional for their tastes. Arrogance takes hold of those who would deem they are “better Jews” than others.

I have never subscribed to those ways of thinking and indeed I have resented them, especially when judgment came my way (never from my husband). For many years, though, I couldn’t embrace my own faith, the way God meant it for me, and look the other way when righteous indignation from others began.

Now, however, I take a deep breath, a sigh really, and understand that my truth belongs to me and others need not understand or approve for me to revel in my love and abiding faith in my God, my way.

And, ironically, having been able to let go of worry about what others think, has freed me to reread the liturgy and rethink text and halacha and see what has meaning for me, knowing all the time, that God will love me and share a personal relationship with me, no matter how that fits into Judaism. I have always believed that character, ethics, morality and the ability to respect others and treat them with kindness has been what the God of us all wants for us and from us all. That hasn’t changed for me one iota.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable unto you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

Amen.

2009-03-24T11:46:00.002-04:00

http://http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/23/opinion/23mon3.html

This editorial, from yesterday's New York Times, is, I believe, right on target. Child sexual abuse is all about power; this bill is meant to even the justice field for the powerful and the powerless. It needs to pass.

2009-03-14T15:45:00.005-04:00

Each day I receive Google news alerts relating to "child sexual abuse." Volumes of alerts arrive, from all over the world, all kinds of stories that have some pertinence to CSA. Some days, when I open my inbox, faced with the sheer volume, knowing how heavy and draining the topics can be, I just don't want to face what's within. And some days, I don't. But, most of the time, I do, and the perusing of what is, often, at least 50 alerts begins.

This morning, to my surprise, I was greeted by "only" 40 alerts. News came from New Zealand, India, Utah, New York, Texas, Iowa and Ohio. Some stories were case specific, others about proposed legislation. Some lauded folks for their great prevention work, others criticized activists and legislators for focusing on topics other than the economy, for overstating the problem or being unjust. News comes from blogs or newspapers, magazines or organizations devoted to one side of an issue or the other. You never know just what you'll find, but, trust me, always, always, among the plethora of offerings, is at least one case of a child who has been sexually victimized.

And I guess that's why I'm writing this particular piece today. I avoided my alerts for the last three days; I didn't feel like I had the energy to read them or that the work I do could in any way counterbalance the enormity of the problem. I read them today, though, and quickly returned to the philosophy that drives me: no matter how many issues under the CSA umbrella I might read in a day, no matter how frustrated or impassioned I might become, for me, it always comes down to this: one child, one person, whose personal journey has been made forever more complex by having been sexually abused and he or she deserves our support and protection.

I have to remind myself that I have my mission, only one small piece of the overall war. I cannot tackle all of the issues surrounding CSA, l can only do my piece, piece by piece, day by day. Anything I do on a given day that makes the populace more aware, possibly making one child safer, makes it a good day. Taking a deep breath, working toward balance, not becoming all-consumed or enveloped by the enormity of the problem, for me, is essential. Writing this, I guess, is my way of putting a proverbial arm around my own shoulder and saying to myself that that is OK, despite all that remains to be done.

And so, the quest continues. One book, one blog post, one workshop, one conversation, taking us a little bit closer...

2009-03-09T13:34:00.002-04:00

http://www.enterprisenews.com/news/education/x698812588/Stoughton-woman-s-children-s-book-helps-fight-child-abuse

Kate Sullivan Foley, a reporter for the Brockton Enterprise, wrote this piece, which appeared in today's paper. It tells some of my story and how that led to "Kisses From Dolce." Hopefully, some folks who need the book will now know it's out there and where to find it.

2009-02-26T18:59:00.002-05:00

The Wednesday morning aftermath of the CT launch...a lovely yellow rose from Stacy K.'s beautiful bouquet...the exquisite bottle of Dolce wine from Michelle and Gary N., who had it sent in from Napa in honor of the book...in the back, to the left, a handful of yummy kisses...

2009-02-25T00:02:00.005-05:00

Tuesday night was the Connecticut launch for "Kisses From Dolce" and what a night it was! Friends, family, therapists, educators...you name it, they were there, supporting me and my effort, and, most importantly, combatting CSA.

Child sexual abuse is so rampant, so pervasive, crossing cultural, ethnic, religious and racial lines, that it is rare for me to be anywhere where I am not approached by someone who has a story to share. These adult survivors seem glad to be able to finally tell, some never having told before. Tuesday evening, despite the positive, upbeat tenor of the event, was no exception.

One woman pointed to the line in the book, "I don't want to be touched" and said to me it had taken her years to tell. And she didn't tell just me; what had once been a shameful secret was now something about which she could openly express herself and, especially, her disgust with her abuser. Letting go of the shame is not easy but getting to that place is liberating and healing.

Hope is the name of the game, folks, and that's what we're here for. The No Secrets No Shame "Kisses From Dolce" healing train has started on its track and, I hope, it will keep on rolling for a long time to come! Thanks.

2009-02-14T19:24:00.006-05:00

Me and my super Sisterhood team at Sunday's launch! They are the best...
Photo courtesy Madeleine L.

2009-02-10T18:08:00.004-05:00

Sunday's book launch was a wonderful event, filled with family, friends and community. We sold a good amount of books, enabling us to make a nice donation to the ATC Sisterhood D2L Workshop Fund. Several people there were survivors, some talking about it openly with me for the very first time. Many attendees bought multiple copies to give as gifts to teachers, therapists and their local libraries. In fact, the next day, I had an inquiry from a librarian who received the book as a gift and wants to purchase several for her local elementary school.
And that is the point of "Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling." It is meant to be out there, helping kids, giving them a voice and helping them get to a healing place.
To all who came and celebrated and continue to show unwavering support, I say "thank you."

2009-02-07T08:41:00.010-05:00

I am very excited! Tomorrow, I, along with an incredibly supportive community here in MA, will celebrate the publication of "Kisses From Dolce!" We will toast with some wine (sparkling grape juice for the kids), indulge in a bit of cheese and crackers and fruit and, most importantly, introduce the book to the world! I will be meeting the community, talking about the book, selling and signing. It should be quite the day!

So far, feedback from those who have seen "KFD" has been wonderful, especially from educators, therapists and savvy parents. Still, receiving feedback from the broader community is a humbling thing and I am gearing up!

The women of ATC Sisterhood, who have steadfastly supported my CSA prevention efforts since day one, will be by my side, helping to assure an event that runs smoothly. When it was so hard for me to speak up about my background and my intentions of turning that into a way to help kids and make the world a safer place, Sisterhood was there. As any survivor knows, having people around you who support you, encourage you and believe in you is key to gaining confidence, forging ahead and healing. The women of ATC Sisterhood have consistently done that, in a very concrete way, and I thank them. A percentage of the sale of each new "KFD" will be donated directly to our ATC Sisterhood D2L Workshop Fund and, tomorrow, I will double the normal amount in celebration of the day.

Child sexual abuse can be a very difficult topic for many people to discuss; we are slowly making headway with that. Denial and fear of CSA often get in the way of the very discussions that could lessen its occurrence. It is my deep hope that "Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling" will open up new avenues of discussion, between parents and children, educators and their students, therapists and their patients and, also, between adults, all with the promise of making the world safer for the children we love so much. I hope you will visit here again and share your experience with the book or about your own CSA journey.

There is an expression used by yoga practitioners that means "the light in me honors the light in you;" that expression is "namaste." To all of you who have stopped here to visit I say, "Namaste." I look forward to hearing from you.

2009-01-29T14:30:00.003-05:00

"Kisses From Dolce: A Book for Children About Trusting and Telling" is now officially for sale!
You may order directly from the publisher or contact me at KissesFromDolce@gmail.com and I will get a copy to you. Thanks!

http://www.trafford.com/08-0805